Divorce Proof Your Marriage Before You Say "i Do": 7 Essential Conversations

A Really Nice Review

2012-02-29T18:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks so much to therapist, Jamie Zewe for a great review! http://jamielz.blogspot.com/2012/02/divorce-proof-your-marriage-review.html

365 Days to "I Do"

2012-02-25T07:59:00.000-08:00

The following is reprinted by permission from www.cupidspulse.com. It is an interview with therapist and author, Dr. Janet Blair Page, about her book, "Get Married This Year: 365 Days to 'I Do.'"

“Get Married This Year: 365 Days to ‘I Do’”

By Whitney Baker

Sure, we all want to find “the right guy,” but how do we successfully approach such a task? In her new book Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do,” relationship expert, professor and psychotherapist Dr. Janet Blair Page shares her easy-to-follow 12-month plan to help readers not only get married this year but to build a loving andlong-lasting relationship with the man of their dreams. We had the chance to interview Dr. Page, during which she shared her personal story of true love. She also expanded on the steps of her program and discussed why her plan really works.

Can you tell us about your book and why you wrote it?

In 1984, I began teaching a course at Emory University called “Before a Year Is Over, I’ll Be Married.” The way people meet and date has changed over the last three decades, but the problems haven’t changed: they feel like they’re not meeting enough eligible people, or if they are, they keep facing the same relationship love blocks over and over again. As a psychotherapist — divorced and remarried myself — I was not only able to empathize with many of the women, but I have personally been on the same path and have my own backlog of bloopers. I’ve also experienced the joys of a good marriage, and it’s the most wonderful way I can think to spend your life. This book offers the experience I have gathered.

Your first bit of advice is to get to know yourself. What does a woman need to do to truly know herself?

To truly know herself a woman has to be scrupulously honest about whom she is and has been. A positive realism toward herself and all others in her life is the definition of mental health. She also needs to be aware of her effect on others – life is a team sport – be open to caring and competent critique from people with low to no agendas. If she has personal pain, she needs to have the courage to heal; and if change in her behavior or attitude would be advisable, she needs to be willing to make it happen.

Before a woman can “find the right guy” (month 6), she must figure out what that means to her. What advice do you have for someone at this stage in her journey to love?

“The right guy” is not only the best possible man for you but also one with whom you are absolutely willing to put in whatever it takes to make your relationship succeed. You trust and respect each other, have shared your goals and desires, enjoy the comfort of being honest with each other, and love each other unconditionally. You crave being together but are able to be apart without having to worry about the other person’s behavior. You both understand mutuality and are capable of truth telling. (The truth — as inconvenient as it can sometimes be — usually comes out one way or another. Wouldn’t you rather it be on your terms?). You feel even better about yourself being with him and loving him with your brain as well as your whole heart.

Do you believe that this timeline works for all women? If not, whom wouldn’t it work for?

It depends on your starting point. For women who have already accomplished some of the tasks – they knew what they wanted in a man and how to spot a keeper but not how to date or create a close relationship, for example – a year works. But realistically, many women won’t be able to become self-aware or good at self-marketing and dating, de-cluttering their lives, communicating, and connecting beautifully with a man in 365 days. Succeeding at every stage in the 12-month program is much more important than meeting the timeline.

I’m not worried about the women who aren’t married in 365 days as long as they have fixed their old, ineffective behaviors and are in a place to go out and find their soul mate. The ones I worry about (and who I’d especially like to help) are the ones who continue to drag an ineligible man behind them for years. Keeping my game plan in mind can help them transition to a more effective dating strategies.

Wouldn’t some relationships benefit from dating for longer than 365 days?

There’s a difference between a couple who both know that they want to be married to each other and just haven’t set a date yet and a relationship where one party is simply a placeholder while the other party figures out what s/he wants. After 365 days, he should know if he is interested in marrying you and will have let you know by thought, words, and actions. That said, keep in mind that men like to control the when and how, and unless you think he will never get around to it, bide your time and let him be the conquering hero.

Do you think your program can benefit a man in the same way it benefits a woman? Why or why not?

Yes! I know it can. Many men took my class, and all seem to like the “pull no punches but have a sense of humor” approach. Also, most of my clients are men, and while they are less likely to buy a book or take a class, they experience the same pain, if not more, in love. They are very welcoming of any rules that can alleviate hurt and promote success. Marriage and being in love is of tremendous benefit to men, and they know it. I’ve spent a great deal of time in my practice learning how men feel and interact in relationships. My program is not only effective for men, but I’ve developed it to help women be effective in dating them by using my experience with men in therapy.

My favorite success story is my older daughter’s. When Tasha got serious about getting married, she flew down from New York and took my course. She listened to the lecture audio and kept the workbook with her at all times. When she went back home, we scheduled regular consults about where she was going and whom she was dating. Tasha religiously stuck to the big three: going out three times a week somewhere, anywhere it was possible to meet someone to date or someone who could be a conduit to someone to date; keeping an open mind about her type of man; and only dating qualified males. She told me about a guy she met in a bar while shooting pool. Eric was younger, a writer and an intellectual. He seemed shy, and he wasn’t her type, she said. I encouraged her to pursue it anyway.

She accepted the date – nothing to lose and a possible gain. Then she told me he suggested they do show-and-tell and wasn’t that “cool.” I thought, “A match!” It was the request of someone who wanted guaranteed talking points and was accepted as a smooth move. Eric brought old coins that she found intriguing, and she was also impressed by the history lesson that went with them because she had wanted someone smart. And that was it. They were and are perfect together. Although it’s always a great joy to me to know that that couples I’ve helped get together are still happily married, it’s particularly great when I get a treasure for a son-in-law.

To find your Mr. Right – and get married this year – visit Amazon to purchase Get Married This Year: 365 to “I Do.” For more information on Dr. Page’s book, therapy and classes, visit her website.

Is Divorce Right For You?

2012-02-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Therapist and author, Margaret Paul, Ph.D., has an excellent blog called "Inner Bonding." Today's post is on how to make a decision about whether or not divorce is right for you. It's well worth reading, if that's a question you've asked yourself: http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3041/is-divorce-the-answer-for-you.html.

A Newlywed Discusses Pre-Marital Counseling

2012-02-12T12:38:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,

We have a guest article today from newlywed, Sarah Thaman (sthaman@oneclickventures.com). It's great to have her perspective!

On paper, my husband and I come from similar backgrounds. We were both raised in areas of Kentucky, we both have loving families, and we both went to private religious schools. Our financial and economical backgrounds are similar, we both participated in sports growing up, and we met in college, as we attended the same school. However, it’s only when we started really getting to know each other that the differences appeared.

We started dating my Junior and his Senior year of college. In regular “getting to know each other” talk, we discussed things like religion (he was raised Catholic, I was raised Christian/Baptist), families (his parents are divorced, mine are married), finances (how we would spend and save), and what we wanted our futures to look like. I was always taught to casually lay out the deal breakers early on in the game when it came to relationships. I wanted to have kids, be a stay-at-home mom, religion was to be a critical part of our relationship, and there were certain expectations I had of my husband when it came to leadership. I had been “groomed” to discuss such things early on, because to me, it was important to figure out if the man I was dating agreed with this, before we fell deeply in love and decided to get married. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who threw caution to the wind and realized I married a man who didn’t value any of the things I valued further down the road. We wanted to “divorce proof” our marriage, especially since my husband experienced divorce in his family.

While most of this dialogue was initiated by me, I think both of us were in a place in our lives where we weren’t playing games when it came to our future, so these discussions came naturally as we looked towards graduation. They say you know when you meet “the one,” and I don’t really believe in fate, but I think we both knew we were suited for each other in a way that meant we could seriously discuss marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun and our early dating wasn’t all “serious” -- but at the same time, we knew marriage was a real possibility for us if things progressed as we both hoped.

Fast forward two and half years. We were engaged and ready for the pre-marital counseling provided by the church where we were going to be married. While I thought we had discussed pretty much every topic under the sun (and not always agreed 100 percent, this isn’t a fairy tale ya’ll), I was surprised when things we hadn’t talked about in detail came up.

While it is some of the differences in personality and background that make us complement each other so well, it’s those differences that brought up things to talk about. How would we discipline our kids? How would we divide up the household duties? How would we divide up family time between our extended family? Who would manage the bills? Even how we’ll “fight” with each other, was discussed. While some of these are minor details and didn’t provide us with much of a challenge, we enjoyed plotting things out together.

In our pre-martial counseling, we also had a full day where we joined with other engaged couples and had a lot of group discussion about personalities. In one exercise we were to all call out character traits we felt were necessary in our spouse, and that we valued as individuals. Words like loyalty, kindness, and patience were overarching trends. And it’s pretty true, if everyone stuck to these values, would there be as many divorces? If we woke up every morning and thought, “I will be loyal, I will be kind, and I will be patient,” there would be far less to fight about.

I think we both came into marriage with a clear understanding that no one is perfect, that marriage takes work, and there are days when it’s harder to love each other than others. But we both looked at marriage as a gift and a challenge that brings great reward. Although I’ve only been married for six months, I know that we are in for the long haul. We both took our vows very seriously, and because we put so much out on the table for discussion and “argued” so many things out early on in the game, I believe we are in a better position than the average newlyweds. I’m not pretending like we have all the answers, or we’ll never have struggles, but

I firmly believe that if couples take these steps, they’ll be able to divorce proof their marriage, or decide that marriage may not be right for them.

About the author: Sarah is a newlywed and enjoys sharing her wedding and relationship advice. Outside of newlywed life, she writes about fashion handbags for Handbag Heaven, plays with her precious puppy Luna, and plans up a future that includes and a mighty cool bucket list full of awesome travel destinations!

What Causes the Most Arguments Between Couples?

2012-02-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

I just read a great article from The Couples Institute that says most arguments stem from unmet expectations. I think they're right on target. I encourage you to read this: http://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/blog/couples-fights-what-is-one-big-common-denominator.html

Grieving the Losses that Come From Divorce

2012-01-25T08:52:00.000-08:00

Lisa has commented on her "Simple Divorce Advice" Blog about a posting I had in the fall regarding grief and divorce. You can see the post, and follower her blog here:

E-mail : lisa@lisathomsonlive.com
URL : http://www.listhomsonlive.com
Whois : http://whois.arin.net/rest/ip/50.98.93.252
Comment:
There is absolutely a grieving process involved but the losses and heartbreak can happen during the marriage, long before it ends! the end is a new beginning for different hopes and dreams that don't necessarily include the picket fence. Think about new goals to get you through the sadness.

You can see all comments on this post here:
http://www.simpledivorceadvice.com/emotional-management-in-divorce/grieving-the-losses-that-come-with-divorce#comments

Free Kindle Bookss

2012-01-15T16:23:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone,

Boyd Lemon is author of the books “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages” and “Unexpected Love and Other Stories.” He also has the blog, Divorce Recovery Resources (http://www.divorcerecoveryresources.com/)and has contributed to this blog. Through Tuesday, Jan. 17th, Amazon is offering a free Kindle download of these books! Click on these links and you can download on your Kindle or Kindle app FOR FREE “Digging Deep: A Writer Uncovers His Marriages” and “Unexpected Love and Other Stories”! Click here http://amzn.to/yl6osf and here http://amzn.to/zEoplj.

Enjoy!

Lee

Positive Emotions

2012-01-13T07:46:00.000-08:00

Today we have a guest post from Nikita Pisani (nikitapisani@hotmail.com) on concepts of emotional intelligence and positive emotions:

Positive emotions can act as a means of influence. They require you however to sincerely feel positive about people, and accepting them for who they really are.

“Emotional intelligence refers to the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”

Many of us are likely to be acquainted with Alfred Binet’s fundamental definition of I.Q. (Intelligence Quotient) and how it relates to one's ability to succeed in school and later on, in his or her a career. In 1990, Salovey and Mayer discovered a ‘new’ form of intelligence, known as Emotional Intelligence (abbreviated as E.I.). Emotional Intelligence was consequently applied to the work domain by Goleman, a definition of which has been delineated in the ‘epigraph’ above.

In ‘Introduction: the intelligence of the heart’, Patrizia Lombardo says that within the humanities, the study of emotions is mainly contingent upon the analytic philosophy rather than to literary criticism, whereby a host of seminal works, such as Albert Hirschman’s The Passions and the Interests: political Arguments for Capitalism before its Triumph, paved the way for the intensive research into the emotions in the late 1970s and throughout the 1980s. Hirschman’s work characteristically considered the role of human passions in the making of the modern market economy, which manifests the role that emotions play in decision-making both in our personal life, as well as in the work industry.

“Emotions”, she continues, “also influence the radical pattern of decision-making”. Moreover, emotions contain an element of rationality that usually comes into play when one is confronted with a type of decision–making, seeing that without them decisions would never be taken, and we would linger within the infinite web of parameters and goals before our minds.
Having positive emotions is a quintessential need.

Marriage is (or rather should be) based upon our relationships with a significant other. It is strengthened by mutual communication and respect for one another. Positive emotions however are also strong in our influential position on others, whether in a peer group, or at the place of work.

To take a literary view, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice is a realist nineteenth-century fiction that serves as a magnificent social critique on society and significantly, on the double nature of the Victorian society. In this conformist society any form of emotionalism is strictly prohibited. In fact, little or no sort of emotion was allowed to emerge in conversations, or through gestures and other facial expressions. The Victorians were encouraged rather, to use euphemistic terms and to adhere to their conventional life with its great prudishness, avoiding any emotional encounters or display of affection. What had struck me most, and which I thought would be relevant to this article, was Darcy’s emotionally-charged speech, or in a way his ‘confession’ of love to Elizabeth. Indeed, he had been so rapped up in his feelings, which he had kept hidden out of fear that his society would be critical of him, that at one stage, he couldn’t bear any longer, and unleashed all his feelings. Paradoxically (and without him knowing it perhaps), he managed to break away from the ties and restrictions of his society:

“He sat down for a few moments, and then getting up, walked about the room. Elizabeth was surprised, but said no word. After a silence of several minutes, he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began:
‘In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feeling will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.’

Elizabeth’s astonishment was beyond expression. She stared, coloured, doubted, and was silent. This he considered sufficient encouragement, and the avowal of all that he felt and had long felt for her immediately followed. He spoke well, but there feeling beside those of the heart to be detailed, and he was not more eloquent on the subject of tenderness than of pride. […]”

In the first line of this passage, emotions are mainly revealed through gestures and movements. Darcy gets up and paces around the room, which is illustrative of his state of anxiety; notably, this is further reinforced by the explicit remark made by the narrator regarding his “agitated manner”. In the subsequent paragraph, we get a glimpse of Elizabeth’s feelings, that are mainly conveyed through gestures (“[Elizabeth] stared, coloured, […] was silent”), which hence serve as a ‘cold response’ (which also show her shock) to Darcy’s passionate words. Emotions, therefore, seem to run from Darcy to Elizabeth, and vice versa, whereby the narrator instead of telling the reader directly that Elizabeth was in fact offended – she uses the conjunction “but” in the middle of the following sentence: “He spoke well, but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed…”

Moreover, this extract shows us how necessary it is to adopt the right attitude and positive emotions, and even more than that, the ability to recognize the value and feelings these emotions generate, and the affect they leave upon others. Additionally, it also brings to mind Ronald de Sousa’s essay entitled, ‘Really, what else is there? Emotions value and morality’; here De Sousa identifies emotions as “psychological states”, which are essentially, “correlated with activity in specific regions of the brain”. These are in turn related to our morality, showing therefore that morality is intrinsically embedded and intertwined within our emotional life. However, he moves on to the notion of morality as being subjective, since my “emotional repertoire” and therefore my code of conduct of what is right and what is wrong may be different from yours and vice versa.
I don’t know about you, but like Darcy, I often find it difficult to discharge my feelings and pour my heart out to my family, friends and perhaps that ‘significant other’. In the past, this may have impeded my development of intimate relationships, as – and this has been a frequently recurrent remark – others find me rather secretive and mysterious – although some like it, others will not. With time and closeness however, comes trust. When you trust someone it seems natural to be open with them, to show your feelings, and to stop being afraid of showing who you are, 100%.

Displaying your emotions positively may be similar to – what in the novel we would call the ‘Bildung’ or the epigenesist. This refers to the growth of the artist or of a protagonist in a novel. Here, the ‘Bildung’ would refer to our personal growth, ingrained within a sound recognition of our emotions which will in turn affect our relationships with other people, and especially, with our spouses.

1. In Critical Quarterly, vol. 50, no. 4, Lombardo Patrizia, ‘Introduction: the intelligence of the heart’, p. 1.
2. Ibid.
3. De Sousa, Ronald, ‘Really, what else is there? Emotions, value and morality’, in Critical Quarterly, vol. 50, no. 4, p. 12.

About the author: Nikita Pisani is a freelance writer, proofreader and editor. She is keen on English literature, and sees people, multiculturalism, and communication as one of the greatest things that we can possibly have on our planet. Blog: nikitapisani.com

You and Your Attorney: Your Next Big Relationship, Part 2

2012-01-05T12:49:00.000-08:00

The following post is part 2 of the post from Monday, by matrimonial attorney, Amy De Shong:

Your attorney should give you a written summary, often called a fee agreement letter, of exactly how and when you will be billed. Read it carefully and do not sign it if you have questions, concerns, or if you do not understand it. Expect to receive invoices monthly and insist that they set forth detailed charges so that you always know exactly where you stand. If your attorney seems uncomfortable answering your reasonable questions about any charges, that’s a red flag. Tell your attorney how you feel and if he or she is not responsive, it may be time to move on to someone else.

You and your counsel should map out a strategy that meets your goals and concerns. That means that you have to be able to identify and articulate those goals and concerns, at least on a basic level. For example, you may want your attorney to get as much money for you as possible, but without being ugly or combative. Your attorney may point out that those goals conflict if your spouse is hiding money from you. That should prompt a healthy discussion about how far your attorney can go in issuing subpoenas and other legal documents before you will become too uncomfortable. Then, talk about what happens after that..

Similarly, be as clear as you can be about your preferred child custody arrangements. If you are a dad who is just fine with alternating weekends, make sure your lawyer knows that so that he or she does not start demanding equally shared custody on your behalf.

As you go along, keep a file of your notes, all correspondence, all emails, and other papers such as pleadings and financial information. Make sure your attorney and his or her assistants do not send emails and other communications to your workplace, unless you want them to do so. (Think carefully about that, by the way.) Clarify expected response times. (In this age of instant responses, some clients demand instant answers to complex questions -- that's not such a good idea.) Plan your phone calls and email exchanges so that you keep your costs down. While you are anxious and upset, it’s easy to ask the same questions over and over again: if you can take careful notes and then refer back to them when you get upset, rather than calling your attorney, you will save money on legal fees. Talk with your counsel about what you can do on your own to contribute to your case and keep your fees down. For example, you may be able to gather and copy documents, or even to prepare summaries of financial information. Just remember that your attorney must read and understand it all in order to make an effective presentation on your behalf.

Remember that no reputable, experienced family lawyer is threatened by a well informed client who seeks to reduce his or her legal fees! At the same time, however, if you find that you are constantly second-guessing or questioning your counsel, he or she will begin to feel mistrusted and not respected. If that goes on for too long, the relationship may fail. If you start to feel that things are not going well between you and your attorney, speak up.

If you have to attend any Court or other legal proceedings, your attorney should explain to you exactly what is expected of you, how much time will be involved, and what will likely happen that day. Will you be cooling your heels in the hallway with your spouse while the attorneys speak with the Judge? Will there be any decision that day? Court is not like what we see on TV and in the movies – there is a lot of waiting. Judges have heavy caseloads and they do not always have the time to read the file before we get there. You can arrive eager and ready for action, only to find yourself 15th on a list of 20 cases.

Attorneys are people too. Sometimes your relationship with your spouse plays out in your relationship with your attorney. The spouse of an aggressive and overbearing spouse retains an aggressive and overbearing attorney. That client gets swept along in an emotionally and financially costly exercise without ever being in control. Because that’s business as usual for that spouse, he or she may not even be aware of it. No personal growth occurs for that client. As a result, he or she may never be able to move beyond the divorce.

Even if your relationship with your counsel is perfect, he or she may head off confidently in directions that you do not want. When that occurs, it’s often because your attorney has grown to care deeply about you and wishes to do whatever it takes to protect your future – sometimes without checking with you first! If you feel that your attorney has raised the battle flag and run headlong into a skirmish that you have no interest in waging, speak up!

While no divorce is ever pleasant, if you have a good relationship with a good attorney and you work as a team, you can expect to come through the process strong, solid, and confident.

Amy P. De Shong, Esquire
Fellow, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
Wisler Pearlstine, LLP
460 Norristown Road, Suite 110
Blue Bell, PA 19422-2326
Phone: (610) 825-8400
adeshong@wispearl.com
www.wislerpearlstine.com

Copyright 2011 Amy P. De Shong, Wisler Pearlstine, LLP

You and Your Attorney: Your Next Big Relationship, Part 1

2012-01-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

January is the biggest month for new divorce filings. Why? Well, I thinkg there are a number of reasons. Lots of people want to get through the holidays first, keep the peace for friends and family during this time, and so forth. For still others, it's hoping that there will be some holiday magic that somehow changes things. Finally, lots of people look at the new year as a time to make a fresh start.

Matrimonial attorney, Amy De Shong, has some things to say about selecting an attorney. I'm posting the first part today, and the second part on Thursday:

Do I need an attorney? Say you and your spouse want to work amicably toward a low cost divorce outcome. Consulting with an attorney – especially if you do not tell your spouse about it – can feel like a betrayal. Worse, if you do tell your spouse about it, he or she may become angry. (“You promised we wouldn’t lawyer up!”)

Just as you would not sign yourself up for heart surgery without learning about your condition and your options, you should not try to settle with your spouse without having at least one consultation with an experienced family attorney. Your attorney will explain the law and how it applies to your situation. Everything you tell him or her is confidential – even the fact that you were there in the first place! When you learn about your legal rights, obligations, and options – as well as those of your spouse – you will feel the power that can only come from knowledge. There is no substitute for that.

Believe it or not, it’s better for you if your spouse does the same thing.

Can’t we just use the same attorney? In most jurisdictions, attorneys are prohibited from representing both of you. And that makes sense, once you think about it. A homemaking mom’s goals and incentives differ from those of her husband: an attorney representing mom usually seeks a high level of financial support for as long as possible, while counsel for husband seeks to minimize the support obligation and may offer an increased portion of the marital assets in lieu of sharing her client’s income.

I’ll make the appointment: now what? Your attorney should spend one to two hours with you. Expect to pay for the meeting. When you contact his or her office, ask whether there is a charge, the amount, whether payment is expected at the meeting, and whether the firm accepts payment by credit card. Think about how you will pay for the appointment if you do not wish for your spouse to know about the meeting. (If you pay with cash, your attorney should give you a written receipt.)

Ask whether you should bring any documents and expect to be asked to bring your last tax return, paystubs for you and your spouse, and a basic outline of your assets and liabilities. Know the amounts of certain monthly bills, such as your mortgage, real estate taxes, and homeowners insurance, so that the attorney can run a support calculation. Don’t be afraid if you don’t have all of that stuff – just do the best you can. Bring along a list of all your questions. When you make the call for the appointment, be ready to provide your spouse’s name and employment information, so that the attorney can run a conflict search before you get there. (This is particularly important with larger law firms, where another attorney at the firm may have already met with your spouse or the firm may already represent your spouse’s employer or family members.)

If you and your spouse signed any agreements together, including a Prenuptial Agreement, bring them along. The more information you can supply, the more useful the attorney can be. Most jurisdictions use grids or guidelines in assessing child and spousal support obligations. These are usually based on incomes and/or living expenses of the parties and their kids. If a spouse or child has special needs or unusual expenses, such as medication or therapy, bring that information along.

What will I learn at this meeting? As long as you bring the necessary information, your attorney should give you an overview of support, custody, and property distribution. The attorney should answer all of your questions and treat you with compassion and respect. Expect to become emotional and maybe even to cry during the meeting. Your attorney should listen to you, not interrupt you, and not lecture you.

Your attorney should be able to speak to you clearly and in plain terms. If he or she bristles at your concerns, is high-handed, or makes your feel stupid, thank him or her for the time and end the meeting. No experienced attorney should be threatened by your questions. At the same time, however, remember that things you may have read about divorce on the Internet or heard from the folks at your neighborhood bar are not always correct.

On Thursday - see "I've retained an attorney - what next?"

Amy P. De Shong, Esquire
Fellow, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
Wisler Pearlstine, LLP
460 Norristown Road, Suite 110
Blue Bell, PA 19422-2326
Phone: (610) 825-8400
adeshong@wispearl.com
www.wislerpearlstine.com

copyright 2011 Amy P. De Shong

What Are Your Relationship Intentions for the New Year?

2011-12-29T18:03:00.000-08:00

Most of us tend to think about things we want to change about ourselves in the New Year. The most common resolution is to lose weight. Stopping smoking, and getting more sleep or exercise, are also common goals.

But what are your intentions for your relationship? What do you personally want to commit to changing about yourself that will improve your relationship? What would the two of you like to work on as a couple?

Now is a great time to have a conversation about how to make things work better for the two of you, and get the year started off on a great footing. May you and yours have a most happy and healthy 2012!

Divorce and the Holidays

2011-12-23T09:16:00.000-08:00

We have a guest post today from my good friend, and matrimonial attorney, Amy DeShong. Navigating the holidays when you're divorced can be especially difficult. Amy offers some good tips:

How to Survive the Holidays

If you are going through a divorce, the holiday season can be a special nightmare.

The expectations of your family of origin and/or those of your in-laws are added to the demands placed upon you by your spouse, your kids, and your work place. If you are not employed, you may feel inadequate and horrible because you cannot provide the kind of gifts for your family that you may have given in the past. False expressions of “good cheer” are everywhere. You may feel guilty if you are the one who wants the divorce and your spouse may be all too good at pushing those buttons.

Here are some tips for getting through it all:

1. Place yourself in your children’s shoes. Really. When you are tempted to argue with your spouse, respond to an attack launched by your spouse, or even launch one of your own, stop, breathe, and think. Where are your kids at that very moment?

Are they in the next room? Are they in the back seat? Are they upstairs in your house? If so, they are within earshot. They are probably even straining to listen. Don’t kid yourself.

You cannot control your spouse any more than you can control the north wind. You can control your response to your spouse’s behavior. End any chance of things escalating into an argument. Acknowledge whatever legitimate point is in your spouse’s message and do your best to respond only to that. If you are wrong, say so and apologize. Offer to think about what he or she is telling you and tell him or her that you will respond at a later date. If you can, paraphrase the content of your spouse’s message, so that he or she sees that you have indeed heard it.

Example 1: “Jen, I understand that you are mad because I got here 30 minutes late and that is making you late for your doctor’s appointment. I got stuck at the office and I am sorry. I will make sure it does not happen again. If something happens that I cannot control, I will call you right away.”

Example 2: “I understand that you are very angry with me, but I do not think we can have a good conversation about it right now. Let’s see when we can talk about (lateness, money, whatever the problem is) when we are alone and we are better able to do it without yelling at each other.”

Example 3: “I hear you. This is something that our attorneys will have to discuss and advise about because I do not know what the answer is. I will call mine first thing in the morning and ask for his/her guidance.”

Example 4: “I hear you and I want to understand why you are so upset. As long as you are screaming at me, however, I just can’t do that.”

If none of this is possible, leave the room. Leave the house if you have to. Drive away. Whatever it takes to break the circuit. Try to envision your spouse as a co-worker. You wouldn’t launch into an intensely personal argument in the work place, even if you were unfairly attacked, would you?

2. If you normally use alcohol to get you through difficult family events, do not do it this year. Remain focused and alert. You want to be in full control of your ears and your mouth so that you can respond appropriately to any provocations. After having a few beers or too many glasses of nice wine, you will find it harder to keep your mouth shut.

3. If your spouse backs out of or tries to change a holiday custody agreement, is late for a pick up or drop off, or holds your kids hostage for an hour or two, go back to Tip #1. Give way.

This is hard. It’s really hard. Be that parent who takes the high road. Your kids don’t care who “wins” – they just know that if mom and dad spend the next 15 minutes fighting over pick up, drop off, or who does the driving, they’ll be late for or even miss their holiday concert. Unless your spouse’s conduct threatens an overnight or the holiday itself, it is rarely in your economic best interests to get your attorney involved.

4. Remember that your new relationship takes a back seat to the (reasonable) needs of your kids. If your significant other starts placing demands on you that are out of the blue and feel unfair and unreasonable, he or she is probably feeling insecure about his or her place in your heart. The holidays heighten our sensitivities to that stuff. Stop, hug, and talk. Your significant other may be worried about his or her role in your life – give him or her permission to directly tell you about those feelings, rather than acting out, so that you may respond appropriately.

5. Do the same with your kids. If it feels like they are making crazy demands, being especially needy, or seeking to manipulate you, ask them about their feelings and try to do so directly. Are they feeling threatened by your girlfriend? Are they terrified that if they show any kindness toward her, their mom will punish them? Are they worried that they are losing you?

6. Be patient with yourself. You are not perfect. Perfect people are very dull. All that stuff that always drives you nuts during the holidays is still out there, in addition to your divorce. If you continue to circle back to Tip #1, you will find yourself starting the New Year without regrets.

And I just told you not to drink!

Submitted by

Amy P. De Shong, Esquire
Fellow, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
Wisler Pearlstine, LLP
460 Norristown Road, Suite 110
Blue Bell, PA 19422-2326
Phone: (610) 825-8400
Fax: (610) 828-4887
adeshong@wispearl.com
(Copyright 12/21/11)

How Do You Juggle Family Time Over the Holidays?

2011-12-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

If you are like most families, there are more people to visit over the holidays, than there are days to do it! His family. Her family. Extended families. And of course, if you're already a blended family with step-children, things get even more complicated!

The holidays are stressful to begin with. We tend to eat too much, spend to much, sleep too little, and so forth. Add all of the family obligations into the mix and it's enough to make you want to hibernate until Ground Hog's Day!

How do YOU juggle all the family obligations and maintain some sense of sanity? I'd love to hear your ideas.

Stress and the Holidays

2011-12-11T17:50:00.000-08:00

Do you find that during this time of year, you and your spouse or significant other are especially testy? Maybe it's the kids wanting everything they see on TV, or whatever they think their friends are getting. Maybe you've already blown the budget. Maybe decorating and shopping and holiday parties have you sleep deprived and cranky. Maybe you're expecting visits from inlaws, or traveling during this busy period. No doubt about it, from Thanksgiving until the New Year is the most hectic, stressful time for most of us.

So how should you handle it? First of all, remember, "under stress, we regress." So do your spouse and kids. Cut them some slack. And for yourself - remember that it's not about perfection. The holidays will be lovely, even if there isn't as big a budget as you would like, and even if you gain a pound or two. Relax. Make it a point to get the sleep you need and also exercise - even if it means saying "no" to baking a couple more batches of cookies or to one more shopping trip.

Take five minutes once or twice a day to just do some deep breathing and center yourself. Relax by soaking in a hot tub. When you are rested and relaxed, you will accomplish more in less time - so you're really not losing any time. And encourage your family members to do the same. If the holidays are making them manic, remind them to stop, take a deep breath, relax.

Most of all - maintain perspective. It's not so much about gifts and decorations and food. It's about enjoying reaching out to family and friends we often don't see throughout the year. It's about peace, joy, love, hope for a bright and healthy new year. Remembering what's most important will help you manage the holiday chaos.

Another Great Amazon Review!

2011-12-08T04:04:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to Grady for this review:

5.0 out of 5 stars Accessible Information from a Relationship Expert, December 7, 2011
By Grady Harp (Los Angeles, CA United States) - See all my reviews
(TOP 10 REVIEWER) (VINE VOICE) (REAL NAME) This review is from: Divorce-Proof Your Marriage Before You Say "I Do" (Paperback)
Dr. Lee A. Bowers is a psychologist in Pennsylvania who must have one of the most devoted clientele ever! In this brief but very well turned book she presents seven conversations essential to assure that coupling in a relationship will be successful before marriage. She presents this material in a manner that is warmly supportive and is obviously intended for uses by same sex couples as well as heterosexual couples, as much for people who simply want a solid non-married relationship as well as for those who are considering marriage, and for those in relationships who need to refresh their minds and lives and support systems to continue the march toward a solid togetherness.

Dr. Bowers sets her book into chapters, each chapter devoted to the seven essential conversations of the title: Idiosyncrasies, Money, Children and Pets, Core Values, Friends and Family, Sex and Gender Roles, and Communication. In each of these chapters she explains (or re-explains in a fresh way!) the importance of coming to agreement on the potential bumps in the road that a committed relationship can encounter. The seven conversations seem obvious at first, but read the manner in which the good doctor explains the approaches to both sides of a potential problem and the reader will find a wealth of homespun information that is wise and full of rich guidance. Little things, such as a man's proclivity to hag the television for sports programs and keep the controls in his hand; how money is perceived - as an equal earner versus a wage earner and homemaker; uncovering how each partner feels about not only children but also pets!; setting aside time for meaningful communication, etc etc.

Yes, much of what Dr. Bowers writes has been said before, but the way she makes her points is by giving examples of couples with whom she has dealt on every point she makes - a technique that makes the importance of the 'conversation' shine more brightly and certainly more clearly. For couples and for those thinking of coupling, this is a very fine book. Grady Harp, December 11

My Recent Interview

2011-12-01T04:21:00.001-08:00

Hi Everyone!

I was recently interviewed for "The Lit Chick Show." Thought you might like to watch! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMrzAtRA0Fo.

New 5 Star Amazon Review

2011-11-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to PaulK for his Five Star Review of "Divorce Proof"

" A must read for anyone (or better yet any couple) contemplating entering a committed relationship. Very well written with a wealth of illustrative examples drawn from the experiences of couples faced with the all too common, but often unanticipated or under estimated, complexities of a shared life. Especially relevant to the challenges that a happy, mutually satisfying, and enduring relationship faces today, this book provides the insights for conversations that support a greater understanding, mutual appreciation and intimacy essential to any successful relationship."

A Thanksgiving Message

2011-11-24T14:56:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

On this day, we take time to focus on the things for which we're grateful. besides all the material blessings you may have, be sure to think about the blessings in your relationships. Family, spouse, best friend - what are the things about that person that you especially treasure? Have you told them lately?

Unfortunately, all too often, we neglect to tell those people closest to us how much they matter in our lives. What are the little, or not so little things, they do that you most appreciate?

Feeling unappreciated is one of the biggest complaints I hear when I'm working with couples. Make sure, during this season of giving thanks, that you express your gratitude to the people you most cherish.

The Culture of Marriage Around The World

2011-11-17T18:10:00.000-08:00

Today we have a guest blog from Neeraj Sachdeva, a PhD candidate who writes about freelancing and self-improvement, often together. You can read about his take on the Essence of Friendship . He also invites you to complete a free test to find your current motivation levels.

Marriage, as a sacred institution, marks an important point in everyone’s life; and one day, it will be just as important in mine. Most of the 25 long and interesting years that I have spent until now have been based on these ideals, and marriage…nay….a successful marriage is something that I look forward to. As we grow and come into our own, we realize that there are some harsh truths to life – nothing is permanent, compatibility is the foundation of relationships, love will only take you so far and more…

So far I have led an interesting life, spending considerable amount of time outside my home country. This post is part confession, part obligation and in some part, information on what marriage, to me, has come to mean.
My folks still claim that marriage is a sacred institution and it marks an important point in one’s life. I still agree with them. Growing up in India was fascinating, to say the least. Spending countless evenings at weddings and being told that someday it will be my turn seems like a memory in continuous loop, one that will always remain.

Indian weddings are notoriously big and pompous in exhibition, leading me to believe that marriage is not really an institution, as my parents made it out to be. Yet, it is. Irrespective of how big the celebrations get, the bride and groom - by the end - are left to their own devices. Tradition still dictates – and people follow – that the newlywed couple must live with the groom’s parents. This is the protective nature of Indian families, and a testament to how difficult marriage and adjustment for women can be, after the day that marks a new chapter in their lives. Indian culture demands respect and obligatory following of whatever is ordered. I was born into this culture, but I seem to have grown out of it. Or so I thought.

Most of my formative years were spent in England, living out of two suitcases, moving from one apartment to another. We as humans value independence, and rightly rejoice it. Yet, I was surprised when married people around me demanded independence and ‘some time alone’ from their spouse. Countless movies had prepared me for the life ahead in England, and I realized that even though marriage was still looked upon, it was by no means a necessity or a norm. On my part, my parents call it corruption of thoughts, but I call it growing up.

Married life in England was not much different from that in India. Well, maybe, a little lonelier. Less people and nuclear families meant that there was little interaction between different married couples. Moreover, many independent and ‘lost’ parts of those couple often found themselves in bed with an independent and ‘lost’ part of another couple. This was heartbreaking, and truly demystified marriage as an institution. The worst was still to come.

The idea of ‘snow-day’ in England was very exciting. Finland has over 100 snow-days; only, they don’t call them snow-day. They call them winter; just regular, plain old winter. So by the age of 24, following in the footsteps of the girl I loved – Finnish – I moved to Finland. There I learnt something new about marriage, something that would shake my foundations and make me question the age-old wisdom my parents so hopefully imparted.

Finland, just like Sweden, has a high divorce rate of 51%. Just a number, right? But imagine this, 51% of the couples, divorce. That is, one in every 2 marriages falls apart, completely. Yet, I learnt that such a high divorce rate did not represent great sadness and frustration in the people of this cold Nordic country – as I thought I would discover. Instead, people were happy and independent, enjoying the finer aspects of their single, and to my discovery, lonely life.

So is divorce really such a bad thing? It would seem not. But rest assured, I don’t intend to think about getting a divorce, even before I get married.
So in this mish-mash of cultures, where do I now stand? I currently straddle the borders of India, England and Finland, emotionally and mentally. When it comes to marriage, I still consider it to be a sacred institution and only wish to marry once, and follow my elders. But there is an addendum – if things were to break down, I would keep my head held high and my integrity intact. Does that make me less scared? Hell no!

The differences in culture that I have encountered have opened my eyes, and italicized everything that is beautiful about how similar yet different we all are. Marrying into another culture is such an interesting yet difficult proposition. It comes with its own issues and its own problems. Getting to know someone and then getting to know their culture requires time and effort on anyone’s part, and there is no guarantee for success. But if you try, you can be better prepared, can learn to enjoy the differences and savor the similarities that make marriage a beautiful institution.

Talking About the Tough Stuff

2011-11-14T04:38:00.000-08:00

Most couples have certain subjects that are taboo - or at least very difficult to talk about. My book, "Divorce Proof Your Marriage Before You Say 'I Do' helps couples with these conversations. But what are the topics in YOUR relationship that need to be discussed but are being swept under the carpet? Does it relate to children? money? sex?

I'd love for us to get a conversation going on this blog about those difficult to talk about subjects.

Practical Love

2011-11-07T03:41:00.000-08:00

Today, guest blogger, Kenneth Weane, Ph.D., returns with his thoughts about "Practical Love."
.

The two best indicators of the outcome of marriage counseling are the simple questions. Do you still love him (her)? If you knew then what you know now, would you still have gotten married?

What didn’t you know? That is the typical follow up question. What indeed? Most common are answers about previous relationships, the controlling ways of the partner, and surprisingly often money issue. Two of the three are about what I call the practicality of love – how people deal with practical issues in their love relationship.

Love has many dimensions. Too often the practicality of love is ignored by those caught in the emotional roller coaster. While affect is wonderful, especially during those early days of wonder and sexuality, the practical issues soon rise to the surface. Problems must be solved and finances must be dealt with.

Religion and politics used to be the taboo subjects in our society, which made discussing them before marriage both important and often avoided. Today, we don’t talk about money. We don’t mention credit cards. We don’t say anything about student loans. If the subject can’t be avoided – usually because one person has notable and well-known wealth – a prenuptial agreement is the form of discussion, which tells very little about how the two people actually think and feel about the Benjamins.

Surprisingly, when both partners are entering a second marriage, they are even less likely to discuss money. They think it would look like they were looking for something rather than wanting to reassure their partner that they are really quite self-sufficient. It is often the potential spouse who is actually most eager to get material benefit from the marriage who will be most dismissive. The words, “Come on, we’re both responsible adults” should be a red flag. Usually the one saying it really means I’m looking for a teat to suck.

Which brings us to the real crux of the practical side of love – how are we as a couple going to solve problems? While some books advocate a simple, the man knows best, approach to relationships, most of us recognize that couples need a process by which those concrete decisions are made. There has to be a sense of teamwork and fairness if love is to endure.
If you have a doubt in the back of your head, perhaps you should create a small problem to be solved. One way to do that is to set up a situation in nature. Few things test a person’s ability to work with others to solve problems and the person’s willingness to do his (her) share than rafting down a roiling river. Playing paintball is another good test of a person’s capacity to be on a team. Heck, just go camping and leave out some of the equipment so that there is a small crisis.

You don’t like the outdoors? Okay, start a small redecorating project and make sure it is one that has a built in difficulty. For example make sure the paint you want to use won’t cover the last paint job. Be sure that the bathtub you are removing is a really cumbersome one. Sometimes counselors will come up with a task if a couple in pre-marital counseling needs one. I like asking couples to work on a story prompted by a psychological testing picture. On retreats I used building a clay project without any words (including writing). How do you as a couple come to agreement on the project to say nothing of the execution?

I want to close with a story from my years of practice. I had taken about 45 of my clients on a white water rafting trip. One woman, Linda, was an intelligent lady whose life had been spent raising seven children. Her husband, Tom, was fairly well known in engineering circles. He was in great demand as a consultant. In their marriage he was clearly the leader, which was fine with Linda. But there was something that she couldn’t articulate, something that made her unhappy in the relationship. The problem certainly didn’t appear to be related to the material and practical side of their life. He earned well. They lived in a nice home in a decent community.

Linda was in a therapy group in which she received much positive stroking but in which the men also wondered what on earth was her complaint when Tom seemed like such a good man and provider.

I was in the sweep raft where I could help any of the rafts that were in trouble. About a third of the way down the river we came on Tom standing on a rock. The others in the raft had thrown him out. Why? Because he had been ruining their trip. At every rapid or eddy he had tried to study the problem, figure out just how to proceed. The result was that instead of getting good runs, the raft had been stuck on almost every rock. Bob’s problem solving approach was excellent engineering but horrible for life.
Both Linda and Tom grew as a result of the trip. Linda was better able to articulate the issue, and Tom for the first time understood that maybe part of the problem that seemed to be hiding in the marriage came from him.
The practical part of a relationship is very important if you don’t want to end up stuck on those rocks.

Brief Bio:

A New Englander by upbringing and inclination, Kenneth Weene is a teacher, psychologist and pastoral counselor by education. He is a writer by passion.

Ken’s short stories and poetry have appeared in numerous publications including Sol Spirits, Palo Verde Pages, Vox Poetica Clutching at Straws, The Word Place, Legendary, Sex and Murder Magazine, The New Flesh Magazine, The Santa Fe Literary Review, Daily Flashes of Erotica Quarterly, Bewildering Stories, A Word With You Press, Mirror Dance, and The Aurorean.

Ken’s novels, Widow’s Walk and Memoirs From the Asylum are published by All Things That Matter Press. ATTMP will soon be bringing out Tales From the Dew Drop Inne: Because there’s one in every town. Widow’s Walk is of particular relevance to those who are interested in relationships, love, and family.

To learn more about Ken’s writing visit: http://www.authorkenweene.com
For a trailer about Widow’s Walk visit: http://vidego.multicastmedia.com/player.php?p=wbgzb2yk

How To Have a Healthy Argument

2011-11-01T04:24:00.000-07:00

The following is re-posted from the Marriage Help Center's Blog. To subscribe, go to: www.marriagehelpcenters.blogspot.com.

In the heat of the moment, we often operate out of anger, bitterness, resentment, and all the other stuff that keeps us living below the line. When EMOTIONS run high, INTELLIGENCE runs low. This leads to blow-outs, attacks, and saying hurtful things. Nobody wins. No resolution is found and one more thing gets added to the pile of resentful ammunition for the next battle.

Is it possible to bring up issues in a productive and effective way? Is it possible to be heard and to come to a resolution? There is a formula, a science, a method, but it takes PRACTICE.

Here are a few simple tools to having a PRODUCTIVE argument.

Timing is everything: When there is an issue that you would like to address ask your partner to make time to sit down with you. Spur of the moment arguments tend to escalate because they feel like a sudden attack. They also tend to be walked out on because something else was planned or comes up. Set a time and don't allow for distractions or interruptions.
Set-up: Sit down with your partner in a dyad. Remember the dyad rules, knee to knee, maintain eye contact, and when one person is speaking, the other person is listening. This creates focus on the issue at hand and eliminates distractions. If you know this issue could become heated, choose a public place, like a coffee shop or restaurant to avoid blow-ups.

Put the gloves down: If you are entering into the discussion in "attack
mode", your partner's gloves will go up and they won't hear anything you say. Change your “state” before going into the argument. Go in with an open mind and a willingness to listen. Remind yourself of what you want; a happy and healthy relationship! This will require you to listen as well and see things from the other person’s perspective.

Words are weapons: Choose your words wisely. The wording used sets the tone for the talk. Avoid escalator words such as "never", "always", and "need". Start the discussion by letting your partner know your intentions and your desires. When we present a list of 'needs' or 'complaints' or 'expectations', it draws out feelings of inferiority and not being good enough. Try to follow this format:

o 1st State your intention. E.g. “My intention is to have a closer relationship with you, and not have this barrier between us because I love you so much.”

o A: What I desire from you is (or for our relationship or for our family, etc) _______________________________. (BE SPECIFIC, for example "I desire more alone time with you.”)

o B: What I heard you say is ________________________________.

o A: Clarify if they didn't hear you correctly. Again, do not become defensive if they heard you incorrectly. Be specific and try using different words to help them understand what it is you truly desire.

o B: So what you desire from me is _________________________? (Ensure you are listening to what they are saying, not what you think they mean).

o B: What I think about that is _____________________________ and how I feel about that is ______________________________. And what I'm willing to do about that is _______________________________.

· 5. If necessary, involve a third party to mediate. This could be a mutual friend or family member that you both trust or a coach.

A Post From Seed For Couples

2011-10-30T11:35:00.000-07:00

Below is a great post/tweet I just read from Seeds for Couples. It's some excellent tips for a healthy marriage: http://tinyurl.com/6zg5nra

What About Money?

2011-10-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

Many studies have shown that money is the single biggest issue over which couples disagree. How money is to be handled is often not discussed before marraige, and it needs to be. The rule of not talking about money or politics may be appropriate at a party, but not if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone!

Money represents different things to different people. For some, money is power. S/he who makes the most gets to decide how it's spent. For others, it is status, and for still others, security. Are you a spender or a saver? Do you have an investment and/or retirement plan? Are you saving for something big like a house or college education? How do you feel about debt? Are you living within your means? Do you hoard money?

Fist, you need to know your own feelings and attitudes about money, and then, your partner's. These are important and necessary discussions to have. I'd love to hear from some of you - how have you handled money in your marriages? What has worked for you and what hasn't worked?

Four Little Words that Could Get Your Marriage Back on Track

2011-10-23T16:46:00.000-07:00

We have another guest blogger today. Dana Flannery is a marriage celebrant and Website Marketing Consultant. www.talkaboutcreative.com.au. She has written dozens of articles for brides and same sex couples preparing for a life time together. Here's what she has to say:

Sometimes the biggest change can be the simplest and there are four simple little words that could help you make the change that saves your marriage. No, not, “I love you, but” or “yes dear, I will”, not even “You’re right, I’m sorry”…. Conflict resolution is not about giving in to what the other person demands or just avoiding fights, it’s about expressing how you feel and giving your partner clear instructions on what you need – “I feel, I need” the four little words that could save your marriage!

The Argument Circle

Are you a grudge holder? Nit picker? Nagger? Closed book? Our own behaviors are hard for us to recognize and even harder for our partners to ignore. This can establish a damaging and unrelenting cycle where a single argument is never really concluded, allowing it to be built upon with every additional incident until a marriage turns sour.

Identifying the problem

If simply identifying the exact problem in your marriage was that easy, nobody would ever get divorced. They say there are three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth and nobody can see all three.

Instead of taking on such an overwhelming task, take the smaller step of identifying which feelings are lighting the fire in an argument. For example, your partner is late for dinner, you worked hard but it’s gone cold and it’s not the first time. Your reaction may be anger even though what you are feeling is frustration or hurt. Identifying the feeling isn’t as easy as you might think. Throughout our lives, we develop emotional protection mechanisms and in “fight or flight” situations, we race to our protected state, be it anger, depression, rage, hurt or even denial. The first step is to rule out your default protective state and get to the core of what you are feeling.

Angrily shouting at your partner for being late is different to telling them “I feel unappreciated” which is the actual, real problem.

Remember though, you must always express it as “I feel (emotion)” never “I feel like you are always…….” This is about how you feel, not about their behaviour.

Tell Them How To Fix It

Just about every marriage suffers communication problems to some degree. If you feel you’ve been telling your partner the same thing over and over again (they’ll call it nagging) it may be that they are not sure how to resolve the issue. A clear statement of what you need done will rule out any communication problems.

So, instead of ranting about being late, give your partner a clear, easy to follow instruction for correcting the situation:

“I need you to call if you are going to be late”

Put it into Practice

Your partner now understands how you are feeling and they have a clear instruction on how to correct their behavior. If need be, ask them to repeat it back to you to be sure that there are no communication issues. Your partner may respond with their own feelings and needs “I feel pressured. I need you to understand how busy my job can be”

Once you’ve identified a way to resolve the problem together, work at putting the new conditions into place. When your partner calls to tell you they’re delayed, make sure you show that you appreciate the call and that you understand that they have a high pressure job.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive….

If your partner is unwilling to respond to your emotional needs (not forgetful but unwilling) you may need to consider therapy or even more dramatic measures. While many marriages can be saved, some are better broken, especially when one partner exhibits grossly inappropriate behavior such as violence or control.

But if you see that your partner is actively trying to respond to your emotional needs and working on communication problems, then maybe your problems can be resolved and maybe you’ll find your happy ever after…after all.

Things to Discuss Before Getting Married

2011-10-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

Today we have a guest blogger, Rohitesh Naik. Although I don't believe he's read the book, it's amazing how his article essentially sumarizes it!

Gеttіng mаrried iѕ vеry еxсitіng! Fіrѕt thе рroрosаl, then thе rіng, аnd оf cоurse thе bіg daу!

But getting mаrrіеd іsn't onlу abоut thе wеddіng-the qualіtу оf the marriage thаt fоllоwѕ іѕ whаt rеаlly сountѕ. So hоw dо уоu makе sure уou ѕtаrt on thе rіght рath? Rеаd оn for thе 10 mоst іmрortant thіngѕ уоu shоuld disсuѕѕ bеfоrе marriagе.

1. Decіsіon Mаking

Sincе marrіаgе іs аll abоut соmрrоmіsе, thе аrt оf nеgоtіаtіon іs an imроrtant ѕkill. Make ѕure уоu and yоur pаrtnеr agreе аbоut hоw the relatіоnship ѕhould wоrk. Shаrіng deсіsіоnѕ аnd deсіding tоgethеr whо should dесіdе whаt rеquirеѕ lіѕtening, nеgotіаting, аnd рrоblеm-solvіng ѕkills. You don't nееd tо bе pеrfeсt аt іt, but yоu both neеd to undеrѕtand what уou're working to.

2. Chorеѕ аnd Tаѕks

Arе уоu taking сarе оf lаundrу аnd сleanіng whіle уоu mаn doеs уаrd аnd hоuѕеwork? You ѕhоuld never аѕsume theѕе tаskѕ wіll be divviеd uр-talk аbout thеm. Relаtіоnѕhіp rоlеs hаve bеen chаnging fоr уearѕ and dіffеr frоm fаmіly tо fаmіly. Talking abоut thеsе tаskѕ bеforе mаrrіagе gives yоu a foundatіоn tо build later disсuѕѕіonѕ if and whеn you fіnd уоu аrеn't hарру wіth thе ѕіtuаtіоn.

3. Chіldren

Dо you bоth wаnt сhildren? Hоw mаnу? And іf уоu dо hаvе сhіldrеn, how dо уou рlаn tо raise thеm? Fоr ѕomе people havіng chіldrеn sееms lіkе an obvіоuѕ pаrt оf marrіage-but not еverуone. Diѕсusѕіng hоw manу сhildrеn you wаnt bеfоre mаrrіаgе cаn ѕаvе уou thе trоuble of finding оut yоur partnеr nеver wаntѕ kіdѕ after marrіаge.

4. Rеligіоn and Vаluеѕ

You'rе probablу аlrеаdy mаrrуing someоnе whо ѕhares the sаmе vаlues аѕ уоu. But religіon and vаluеѕ аre importаnt to diѕcuѕѕ bеcauѕe реоple uѕuаllу tаkе theѕе thіngѕ much more ѕeriоuslу aftеr marriagе, and еѕресiаllу ѕеrіоuѕ аftеr having сhildrеn.

5. Connесtion tо Famіly

Will yоu sреnd Chriѕtmаs Eve wіth hіs fаmіly, аnd Chrіstmаs day wіth yours? Thеѕе detailѕ mаy nоt seеm tоo imрortаnt nоw, but theу саn bеcome a mаjor sоurсe оf соnflict wіth famіlіeѕ іf everyоnе fееlѕ thеу'rе nоt getting enough оf уour time. Familу devotion cаn cauѕе futurе conflict if уоu hаvеn't aссeрted оnе аnоthеrѕ imрortаnсe оf family.

6. Cаreers

Cаreеr pathѕ usuаllу changе оver tіmе, ѕо yоu need tо know that your раrtnеr wіll be suрроrtіve аnd rеsрeсtful оf уоur dесіsіоns wіth уоur сarееr, аnd that yоu wіll be thе ѕаmе with thеіrѕ.

7. Sex

You ѕhоuld bе аblе to оpеnly and frееlу dіsсuѕs sеx wіth yоur pаrtnеr. Alwаys be ореn аnd honеѕt аnd willing to cоmmuniсаte abоut іt. Mаkе ѕurе thаt you cаn both talk аbоut sex сomfоrtаblу becаuse ѕеx thаt's nevеr dіѕсuѕѕеd саn beсomе unѕаtiѕfуіng to оnе оr bоth оf уоu.

8. Monеy

Arе you а sаvеr whіlе yоur pаrtnеr іs а ѕрender? Mоneу trоubleѕ arе the lеаding cauѕe оf rеlаtіоnѕhір рrоblems, and it'ѕ impоrtаnt tо dіѕсuss thеm befоrе they gеt out оf contrоl. Agrее on budgetѕ and mоnеy sреndіng habitѕ thаt fit bоth оf yоur neеdѕ.

9. Tіmе Togеther

Do уоu рlаn on ѕрendіng еvеrу Sunday wіth yоur pаrtnеr watching mоviеѕ? Yоur раrtner mау havе ѕomethіng elѕe раned fоr theіr Sundaуѕ. Dіѕcuss thеѕе thingѕ and dоn't аѕѕumе whаt your раrtnеr wоuld lіkе to do-it cаn lеad tо unnеcеѕѕarу diѕарpоintmеnt.

10. Drugs, Alcоhol, Gаmblіng

By thе time уou dеcidе tо get marrіed to yоur partnеr, уоu'rе рrobаblу аlrеаdy wеll awаrе оf аnу аddiсtіоns they maу have. If somethіng іs serіouѕ enоugh to rеquіrе help, dіscuѕs how уou'll handlе іt tоgеther. Dеcide іf оnе of bоth оf уou ѕhould ѕeek сounѕeling and be surе уоu аgree аnd deаl wіth іt togethеr..

About the Author : Rohitesh Naik, a Freelance writer and a Internet Marketer who presently writes about the Upcoming Verizon Phones. It includes all the the news and updates about New Verizon Phones.

Grieving the Losses That Come With Divorce

2011-10-16T18:51:00.000-07:00

The following is an article I wrote for the website: www.simpledivorceadvice.com.

No matter how easy or difficult, friendly or acrimonious your divorce, there will always be a certain amount of grief to be experienced. Just like with the death of a loved one, the death of a marriage is accompanied by sadness, anger, guilt, and, eventually, acceptance. Even if you are the one who wanted the divorce, you will experience grief.

Children rarely escape unscathed in a divorce. It hurts them, even if ultimately, the divorce is better for them than seeing and hearing their parents constantly fighting. Their lives change. They may lose a certain sense of security. They may be going back and forth between two homes – at least one of which is new, and therefore strange, to them.

On some level, children will miss a nuclear home and the absent parent, even if, on the surface, they have sided with one over the other, or if they appear to be unphased by the changes. Sometimes a divorce requires a move, and maybe a new neighborhood or new school. Maybe a once stay at home Mom will have to go back to work. Life will be different for them in many ways, and change is always at least a little frightening.

Everyone in the family suffers financially from a divorce. The bottom line is that it takes more money to support two households than it does one. That means sacrifices are made on everyone’s part. Sometimes it means downsizing a house, or having no money for any discretionary spending. I’ve seen so many people struggle financially as a result of divorce, and while they may not regret the divorce, they often underestimate the financial struggle it is.

If one person wanted the divorce and the other didn’t, the person who is left often feels alone. They miss the presence of a partner in the house and they feel lonely. Sometimes they also feel unprepared to handle the things their spouse used to take care of, whether that’s balancing the checkbook, doing yard work, or laundry, cooking, or helping the kids with homework. And of course, the person you once loved very much, is no longer in your life in the same way, and that is a huge loss.

Socially, divorce brings about many challenging changes, and usually a lot of loss. Couples who were friends with you and your spouse will often struggle with mixed loyalties. Rather than chose one over the other, they will often pull back all together. You will likely not be invited to things that are more couples’ oriented. Most likely, you will need to develop a new social life as a single person and that can be difficult and scary. Divorce support groups can be a wonderful place to start.

Maybe the greatest loss is the loss of the hopes and dreams that you invested in your marriage. There was a time when you were very much in love and you had visions of what your life would be like together. You made a lot of plans and spent time and energy in the expectation that you would together create whatever your personal version of that white picket fence was. And then, it either didn’t happen, or it all came tumbling down.

But the good news is that we human beings are a resilient bunch. You will go through the grieving process and eventually get to that point of acceptance, and you will have learned a tremendous amount about yourself in the process. Life will be different, but different is neither good nor bad, it’s just different. And about those hopes and dreams – they don’t have to die. You’re older and more experienced and probably have some other ideas now about what you’d like, but by all means, hold onto those hopes and dreams. With all you’ve learned and experienced, you’ll have a clearer path for getting there, even if the picket fence is green next time!

Never Being Childish About Children

2011-10-12T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today, I have a guest blogger. Trevor Munday is a marketer for Vanquis Bank, http://www.vanquis.co.uk/, has an interest in psychology and been happily married for ten years and counting.

It seems in today's society, things often happen in reverse: couples have kids, move in together and finally get married. Sometimes these relationships work out, but statistics would suggest that for the majority, this is too much intensity on a relationship at an early stage of its development. Although couples can stay together for the sake of children, a relationship often suffers if the participants feel that the focus is on children, and not on each other. The best types of relationships stem from a mutual admiration that is furthered by the addition of children; this is also the most stable environment in which to raise a child.

Although it may be a "red flag" to some to be discussing children at the onset of a relationship, children can quickly become a deal-breaker further into a marriage. Most men will not want to be tied into such an important decision early into a relationship, but being able to discuss aspirations, thoughts and practical considerations shows maturity and pragmatism. Even if one doesn't feel ready for the responsibility of children earlier on in life, people's attitudes change along with their social circumstances, and as more friends in your immediate circles start to have kids themselves, this can add to the pressure a couple may feel to have children of their own.

This needs to be a joint decision, if in a situation where one partner is fervently trying for children when the other secretly does not want any, calamity and relationship disaster are sure to follow. Open discussion, even agreement to a timetable (reviewing the domestic finances and job/time balance in one or two years) sounds clinical, but is an intelligent discussion and a responsible attitude to have when looking to bring a new life into the world.

Ensuring that this life-changing decision is a frequent discussion point (as opposed to being a bomb that is dropped at a critical moment) ensures that emotions and feelings will be even, and less of the usual reactions that we frequently fall into when confronting difficult decisions, or ones that potentially involve a great deal of change cause conflict and argument. Even if things don't happen according to plan, having had the issue in mind for a discussion point will leave both partners in a much better state to cope emotionally and intellectually with the preparation and arrival of a new child.

In case you're already dealing with a divorce

2011-10-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to guest contributor, Neltje Maynez, Writer/Editor at www.MyCollegesandCareers.com for the article, below. Although "Divorce Proof Your Marriage" is obviously best read PRIOR to tying the knot, some of you are also still dealing with an untying. Naltje offer some good advice:

A couple of years ago, I had the most unpleasant time of going through a divorce of my parents. They had been dealing with problems for a long time―but I never thought that they would reach the point of divorce. It was painful, and I still feel like I am dealing with the consequences. Luckily, I was older when it happened, so I didn't feel so affected by it. But, it's not like it was easy.

However, my parents are still having a hard time with it. I am pretty sure that if they had some counseling, or advice, their divorce could have been less painful, or at least less time-consuming. It seems like more and more people are getting divorced. I was talking with my mom, who had a small support group for divorced people and she gave me 5 tips when it came to divorce.

1) Clean Break
This is one of the most important steps of a divorce. If the papers have been filed and you are legally divorced―it's over. Do not linger with the thought of them coming back. Respect yourself and realize that your marriage is done. Although the words may be harsh―it's better to realize it now than to hold on to a wish that they will come back. Get rid of the things that they have in your place, and get your stuff back. Delete their contact info from your phone. You don't want to be tempted to want to call them back.

2) Time
Healing from a divorce takes time. You will want to get back in the dating scene because you are lonely, but don't do it. That could only lead to more heartbreak in the future. Know that even if it seems really hard, you can do it. Be strong for yourself.

3) Let it Out
Let's be honest, getting a divorce is tough. Don't try to be the hero and bottle all of your emotions inside. You have got to learn that it is ok to feel the way you do―it's normal. However, you don't want to be bitter for the rest of you life. Being angry and hurt is a normal part of being divorced, but don't let it consume you forever.

4) Treat Yourself
Think of your divorce as something that can help make you even better than you already are. If you have gain a little bit of weight, start going to the gym. Start taking care of yourself. You can even start new hobbies that you have always wanted to try.

5) Look to the Future
You are an awesome individual that can do anything that you put your mind to. Don't let a divorce bring you down. It may hurt for a little bit, or even hurt for a long time, but you can do it. Start making goals for yourself. If you have been stuck in a career that you hate, go back to school and change it.

My mom told me that these tips helped her―even years after her divorce. If you are someone that is experiencing this pain, try these tips. Divorce will never be hard, but these tips can help you on your journey. Who knows? Most people that get divorced often find that they are happier without the person they divorced. It will take time to get used to it―but if you let yourself―you can be happier and even more successful.

What Do You Wish You'd Known Before You Got Married?

2011-10-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I've talked to couples a few years into their marriages, who are finding out all kinds of differences that they have. I often ask, "didn't you talk about these things before you got married?" Usually, the answer is "no." What are the things you wish you'd known about either your partner or yourself, before you took that walk down the aisle?

2011-10-08T16:40:00.001-07:00

Things Unsaid

2011-10-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

Throughout my career, I’ve found it doesn’t matter if a couple has been together for two weeks, two years or 20; there are always differences and baggage that get swept under the carpet of life but never really go away. The better equipped we are to know what the important questions are in life and how to go about finding the answers and solutions, the longer and stronger our relationships will be. After all, isn’t that the point of a committed partnership? "Divorce Proof" takes couples by the hand and helps them have those conversations.

New Review of "Divorce Proof ....."

2011-09-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

I'm delighted with the review that Jerry Bloom of Delco News Network gave the book. You can read it here: http://jhbloom.blogspot.com/2011_09_01_archive.html

Birth Announcement!

2011-06-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

"Divorce Proof Your Marriage Before You Say 'I Do' - Seven Essential Conversations" is officially out there in the world!
They say that taking a book from concept to publication is a lot like giving birth. I really doubt that. The gestation is a lot longer (about two years actively- 30 years less conciously), but it really wasn't that painful, just time consuming. I had lots of good support people helping me every step of the way. If you're thinking about writing a first book, I'd be happy to share my experiences with you. In the meantime, here it is - TADA!
www.bit.ly/lbowers. Let me know what you think!