Practical Love

Today, guest blogger, Kenneth Weane, Ph.D., returns with his thoughts about "Practical Love."
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The two best indicators of the outcome of marriage counseling are the simple questions. Do you still love him (her)? If you knew then what you know now, would you still have gotten married?

What didn’t you know? That is the typical follow up question. What indeed? Most common are answers about previous relationships, the controlling ways of the partner, and surprisingly often money issue. Two of the three are about what I call the practicality of love – how people deal with practical issues in their love relationship.

Love has many dimensions. Too often the practicality of love is ignored by those caught in the emotional roller coaster. While affect is wonderful, especially during those early days of wonder and sexuality, the practical issues soon rise to the surface. Problems must be solved and finances must be dealt with.

Religion and politics used to be the taboo subjects in our society, which made discussing them before marriage both important and often avoided. Today, we don’t talk about money. We don’t mention credit cards. We don’t say anything about student loans. If the subject can’t be avoided – usually because one person has notable and well-known wealth – a prenuptial agreement is the form of discussion, which tells very little about how the two people actually think and feel about the Benjamins.

Surprisingly, when both partners are entering a second marriage, they are even less likely to discuss money. They think it would look like they were looking for something rather than wanting to reassure their partner that they are really quite self-sufficient. It is often the potential spouse who is actually most eager to get material benefit from the marriage who will be most dismissive. The words, “Come on, we’re both responsible adults” should be a red flag. Usually the one saying it really means I’m looking for a teat to suck.

Which brings us to the real crux of the practical side of love – how are we as a couple going to solve problems? While some books advocate a simple, the man knows best, approach to relationships, most of us recognize that couples need a process by which those concrete decisions are made. There has to be a sense of teamwork and fairness if love is to endure.
If you have a doubt in the back of your head, perhaps you should create a small problem to be solved. One way to do that is to set up a situation in nature. Few things test a person’s ability to work with others to solve problems and the person’s willingness to do his (her) share than rafting down a roiling river. Playing paintball is another good test of a person’s capacity to be on a team. Heck, just go camping and leave out some of the equipment so that there is a small crisis.

You don’t like the outdoors? Okay, start a small redecorating project and make sure it is one that has a built in difficulty. For example make sure the paint you want to use won’t cover the last paint job. Be sure that the bathtub you are removing is a really cumbersome one. Sometimes counselors will come up with a task if a couple in pre-marital counseling needs one. I like asking couples to work on a story prompted by a psychological testing picture. On retreats I used building a clay project without any words (including writing). How do you as a couple come to agreement on the project to say nothing of the execution?

I want to close with a story from my years of practice. I had taken about 45 of my clients on a white water rafting trip. One woman, Linda, was an intelligent lady whose life had been spent raising seven children. Her husband, Tom, was fairly well known in engineering circles. He was in great demand as a consultant. In their marriage he was clearly the leader, which was fine with Linda. But there was something that she couldn’t articulate, something that made her unhappy in the relationship. The problem certainly didn’t appear to be related to the material and practical side of their life. He earned well. They lived in a nice home in a decent community.

Linda was in a therapy group in which she received much positive stroking but in which the men also wondered what on earth was her complaint when Tom seemed like such a good man and provider.

I was in the sweep raft where I could help any of the rafts that were in trouble. About a third of the way down the river we came on Tom standing on a rock. The others in the raft had thrown him out. Why? Because he had been ruining their trip. At every rapid or eddy he had tried to study the problem, figure out just how to proceed. The result was that instead of getting good runs, the raft had been stuck on almost every rock. Bob’s problem solving approach was excellent engineering but horrible for life.
Both Linda and Tom grew as a result of the trip. Linda was better able to articulate the issue, and Tom for the first time understood that maybe part of the problem that seemed to be hiding in the marriage came from him.
The practical part of a relationship is very important if you don’t want to end up stuck on those rocks.


Brief Bio:

A New Englander by upbringing and inclination, Kenneth Weene is a teacher, psychologist and pastoral counselor by education. He is a writer by passion.

Ken’s short stories and poetry have appeared in numerous publications including Sol Spirits, Palo Verde Pages, Vox Poetica Clutching at Straws, The Word Place, Legendary, Sex and Murder Magazine, The New Flesh Magazine, The Santa Fe Literary Review, Daily Flashes of Erotica Quarterly, Bewildering Stories, A Word With You Press, Mirror Dance, and The Aurorean.

Ken’s novels, Widow’s Walk and Memoirs From the Asylum are published by All Things That Matter Press. ATTMP will soon be bringing out Tales From the Dew Drop Inne: Because there’s one in every town. Widow’s Walk is of particular relevance to those who are interested in relationships, love, and family.

To learn more about Ken’s writing visit: http://www.authorkenweene.com
For a trailer about Widow’s Walk visit: http://vidego.multicastmedia.com/player.php?p=wbgzb2yk