A Newlywed Discusses Pre-Marital Counseling

Hi Everyone,

We have a guest article today from newlywed, Sarah Thaman (sthaman@oneclickventures.com).  It's great to have her perspective!


On paper, my husband and I come from similar backgrounds. We were both raised in areas of Kentucky, we both have loving families, and we both went to private religious schools. Our financial and economical backgrounds are similar, we both participated in sports growing up, and we met in college, as we attended the same school. However, it’s only when we started really getting to know each other that the differences appeared.


We started dating my Junior and his Senior year of college. In regular “getting to know each other” talk, we discussed things like religion (he was raised Catholic, I was raised Christian/Baptist), families (his parents are divorced, mine are married), finances (how we would spend and save), and what we wanted our futures to look like. I was always taught to casually lay out the deal breakers early on in the game when it came to relationships. I wanted to have kids, be a stay-at-home mom, religion was to be a critical part of our relationship, and there were certain expectations I had of my husband when it came to leadership. I had been “groomed” to discuss such things early on, because to me, it was important to figure out if the man I was dating agreed with this, before we fell deeply in love and decided to get married. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who threw caution to the wind and realized I married a man who didn’t value any of the things I valued further down the road. We wanted to “divorce proof” our marriage, especially since my husband experienced divorce in his family.


While most of this dialogue was initiated by me, I think both of us were in a place in our lives where we weren’t playing games when it came to our future, so these discussions came naturally as we looked towards graduation. They say you know when you meet “the one,” and I don’t really believe in fate, but I think we both knew we were suited for each other in a way that meant we could seriously discuss marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun and our early dating wasn’t all “serious” -- but at the same time, we knew marriage was a real possibility for us if things progressed as we both hoped.


Fast forward two and half years. We were engaged and ready for the pre-marital counseling provided by the church where we were going to be married. While I thought we had discussed pretty much every topic under the sun (and not always agreed 100 percent, this isn’t a fairy tale ya’ll), I was surprised when things we hadn’t talked about in detail came up.


While it is some of the differences in personality and background that make us complement each other so well, it’s those differences that brought up things to talk about. How would we discipline our kids? How would we divide up the household duties? How would we divide up family time between our extended family? Who would manage the bills? Even how we’ll “fight” with each other, was discussed. While some of these are minor details and didn’t provide us with much of a challenge, we enjoyed plotting things out together.


In our pre-martial counseling, we also had a full day where we joined with other engaged couples and had a lot of group discussion about personalities. In one exercise we were to all call out character traits we felt were necessary in our spouse, and that we valued as individuals. Words like loyalty, kindness, and patience were overarching trends. And it’s pretty true, if everyone stuck to these values, would there be as many divorces? If we woke up every morning and thought, “I will be loyal, I will be kind, and I will be patient,” there would be far less to fight about.


I think we both came into marriage with a clear understanding that no one is perfect, that marriage takes work, and there are days when it’s harder to love each other than others. But we both looked at marriage as a gift and a challenge that brings great reward. Although I’ve only been married for six months, I know that we are in for the long haul. We both took our vows very seriously, and because we put so much out on the table for discussion and “argued” so many things out early on in the game, I believe we are in a better position than the average newlyweds. I’m not pretending like we have all the answers, or we’ll never have struggles, but

I firmly believe that if couples take these steps, they’ll be able to divorce proof their marriage, or decide that marriage may not be right for them.


About the author: Sarah is a newlywed and enjoys sharing her wedding and relationship advice. Outside of newlywed life, she writes about fashion handbags for Handbag Heaven, plays with her precious puppy Luna, and plans up a future that includes and a mighty cool bucket list full of awesome travel destinations!