Idiosyncrasies

We all have them - those little habits, quirks, preferences, etc.  Idiosyncrasies.  They're a part of what makes us who we are, and we're all unique.  But they can drive your partner crazy!  Here are a couple examples from my practice:

Sue and Harry met at mid life.  He was a widower, and she, divorced.  Their children were all grown and they looked forward to sharing their golden years together.  One of the things Sue thought was especially sweet about Harry was how he liked to whistle.  It was nice being around someone so happy!

But soon, the whistling got very old.  Harry whistled all the time - in the car, at meals, even in restaurants.  It started to drive Sue crazy!  Pretty soon, she was snapping at him to stop.  He would, for awhile.  But he was oblivious to his whistling so pretty soon it would start again.  Before long, she was going to another area of the house to avoid him and the whistling.  Their relationship became strained.

Harry finally managed to break the habit, but it was very difficult, and took quite a toll on Sue's patience. 

What idiosyncrasies do you and your partner have?  Remember, that the way you are now is likely to be similar to how you are 20 years from now.  Will those little quirks still be so endearing then?  Talk about it NOW - before you say "I Do."

And I'd love to hear your stories about how you've dealt with such things in your relationships.

The Challenge of a Family Crisis

I've been thinking a lot about death this past week.  A very good friend of mine took leave of her very frail body Monday, after a six year struggle.  Her funeral is later today.  I've also seen two different couples in the past week who have had the death of a parent recently. 

These events have led me to think about what a crisis time this is for a couple.  The person who has lost a parent is in the process of active grieving.  Their partner then has to shoulder the entire load of family responsibilities and support the grieving partner.  This can get old very fast.  One of the couples I mention above has broken up, in large part because the non-bereaved partner is feeling neglected and ignored.

Emotions are at an all time high during early grief.  Things are often said out of frustration that are not meant, but can't be taken back.  I remember when my father passed, a cousin on my mother's side called and asked me if it was important to my mother that he be there.  He was my mother's favorite relative, and so I told him "yes."  His response, which I'm sure he wished he could take back as soon as it came out of his mouth was, "it's just a very inconvenient time." 

My thought, of course, was, "I'm so sorry my father's death is not convenient for you."  All of this goes to the saying therapists have, "under stress, we regress."  If you, or someone you know, is going through a major life crisis - serious illness, loss of a loved one, loss of job, etc., cut them some slack.  We're all going to be there at one time or another.

Defining your Terms

I had a couple in my office a few weeks ago for pre-marital counseling, and we were talking about the characteristics that each needed in a partner.  One of the qualities they agreed on was "Loyalty."  But oh, what different definitions they had!

"Jeff" defined loyalty as putting their relationship before all others.  They, as a couple, took precedence over any other friend or family relationships.  "Susan," on the other hand, defined it as agreeing with her on everything, especially in front of other people.  This meant that even if Jeff had an entirely different opinion than Susan, she would consider is disloyal for him to voice it to others.

That's quite a difference in definitions of a fairly simple word.  What does "loyalty" in your primary relationship mean to you?  Are there other words in which you and your partner get hung up on different definitions?  Let's have some conversation about semantics.

What Causes the Most Arguments Between Couples?

I just read a great article from The Couples Institute that says most arguments stem from unmet expectations. I think they're right on target. I encourage you to read this: http://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/blog/couples-fights-what-is-one-big-common-denominator.html

How To Have a Healthy Argument

The following is re-posted from the Marriage Help Center's Blog. To subscribe, go to: www.marriagehelpcenters.blogspot.com.

In the heat of the moment, we often operate out of anger, bitterness, resentment, and all the other stuff that keeps us living below the line. When EMOTIONS run high, INTELLIGENCE runs low. This leads to blow-outs, attacks, and saying hurtful things. Nobody wins. No resolution is found and one more thing gets added to the pile of resentful ammunition for the next battle.

Is it possible to bring up issues in a productive and effective way? Is it possible to be heard and to come to a resolution? There is a formula, a science, a method, but it takes PRACTICE.

Here are a few simple tools to having a PRODUCTIVE argument.

Timing is everything: When there is an issue that you would like to address ask your partner to make time to sit down with you. Spur of the moment arguments tend to escalate because they feel like a sudden attack. They also tend to be walked out on because something else was planned or comes up. Set a time and don't allow for distractions or interruptions.
Set-up: Sit down with your partner in a dyad. Remember the dyad rules, knee to knee, maintain eye contact, and when one person is speaking, the other person is listening. This creates focus on the issue at hand and eliminates distractions. If you know this issue could become heated, choose a public place, like a coffee shop or restaurant to avoid blow-ups.

Put the gloves down: If you are entering into the discussion in "attack
mode", your partner's gloves will go up and they won't hear anything you say. Change your “state” before going into the argument. Go in with an open mind and a willingness to listen. Remind yourself of what you want; a happy and healthy relationship! This will require you to listen as well and see things from the other person’s perspective.

Words are weapons: Choose your words wisely. The wording used sets the tone for the talk. Avoid escalator words such as "never", "always", and "need". Start the discussion by letting your partner know your intentions and your desires. When we present a list of 'needs' or 'complaints' or 'expectations', it draws out feelings of inferiority and not being good enough. Try to follow this format:

o 1st State your intention. E.g. “My intention is to have a closer relationship with you, and not have this barrier between us because I love you so much.”

o A: What I desire from you is (or for our relationship or for our family, etc) _______________________________. (BE SPECIFIC, for example "I desire more alone time with you.”)

o B: What I heard you say is ________________________________.

o A: Clarify if they didn't hear you correctly. Again, do not become defensive if they heard you incorrectly. Be specific and try using different words to help them understand what it is you truly desire.

o B: So what you desire from me is _________________________? (Ensure you are listening to what they are saying, not what you think they mean).

o B: What I think about that is _____________________________ and how I feel about that is ______________________________. And what I'm willing to do about that is _______________________________.

· 5. If necessary, involve a third party to mediate. This could be a mutual friend or family member that you both trust or a coach.