How Important is Compromise?

I often hear people talk about how essential compromise is to a successful marriage.  While I agree that in any kind of relationship - family, friends, or with your significant other, it will be important to compromise from time to time.  But is it key to making a marriage work?  Joel F. Wade, Ph.D. and author of the book, Mastering Happiness, has some thoughts about this.

Wade says compromise is kind of like when one person wants a room painted yellow, the other wants it painted blue, and we compromise and get green. Compromise is sometimes win/win, sometimes not.  If you are compromising on a lot of things in your relationship, at some point you may feel over compromised and resentful.

Compromise isn't the driving force of a great relationship.  Rather, Dr. Wade says, a shared vision, or the idea that the two of you are a team, is more important than the ability to compromise.

Do you and your partner work as a team?  Tell us about it!

February Is the Longest Month

Those of us on the East Coast and Midwest have really felt how long February can be this year!  The calendar may say it's only 28 days, but it feels like it will go on forever.  This winter may seem especially severe to a lot of us, but actually, February is usually the month for the highest levels of depression and suicides.

The festivities of the holidays are over and summer seems so far away.  A lot of us are really starting to feel house bound and a little stir crazy!  And this can put a strain on relationships.  When you're both struggling with the short days and bleak weather, tempers can become short, we might not be as kind and considerate, and communication suffers.  What can you do?

Well, maybe it's time to get creative.  How about a winter picnic, in front of the fire?  Maybe bake some cookies and make hot cocoa.  Snuggle.  Plan your summer vacation, or your garden.  This past weekend, I bought lots of vegetable and flower seeds and got them started in a sunny window.

Remember that, long as it might seem, February will come to an end, the days will get longer, there will soon be no more snow to shovel, and the sun will shine.  In the meantime, what are some of the ways that you and your partner cope with the winter blahs?

Making a Marriage Last

Guest blogger, Brooke Chaplan, has some thoughts today on making a marriage last.  After you've read her blog, I'd love your thoughts - what would you add to Brook's list?

 

Make a Lasting Marriage: Tips to Preserve Your Relationship

With so many divorces happening each and every day, it is no wonder that married people worry about how they can make their relationships last. There are no secret ingredients to a long-lasting marriage. It takes love, respect, and work from both partners. Yet, there are a few tips that can help you preserve your relationship, and maintain a long, healthy marriage.

 Keep Communication Open

Open communication means more than just talking to your partner each day. You have to be honest in that communication, and make sure your wants and needs are clear. Real communication cannot take place in a few minutes on the phone, while feeding the kids dinner, or through text messages. If you don't like talking to your partner, or don't feel that it is important enough to demand your time, then there is an issue that needs to be explored and resolved.

 

Share Time

Life can be busy, especially if you have kids. Therefore, it is vital that married couples take time for themselves, and enjoy spending time together. Spending time together can help couples reconnect, and remember that connection that brought them together in the first place. It is important for couples to share time together doing activities they both enjoy. Find time for you and your spouse to connect one on one, whether it's a long shopping trip together, or a nice dinner once a week.

 Add Some Spice

When life seems dull and repetitive, marriage can feel the same way. To make the marriage last, a couple has to figure out ways to spice up life. This might mean taking a romantic vacation together, or trying something new in the bedroom. You might even try taking a class together. When you learn together, you will be able to connect and have fun, making memories to last a lifetime.

 

Maintain Independence

Each partner in a marriage must maintain some degree of independence to make the marriage work for the long run. Partners who become too clingy, or couples who can't seem to detach themselves from each other often have real issues that must be solved. Individual partners must have their own interests, hobbies, and meaningful work to keep them happy. Do what is best for you, and make sure your spouse feels valued as an individual. This will help the both of you stay afloat when you need to take a break from each other.

 

Seeking Advice

When a marriage seems to be in trouble, couples cannot immediately abandon ship. One idea is to seek advice from a therapist or marriage counselor. Marriages sometimes need new energy breathed into them, and quitting before giving the marriage a chance is not always the answer.

 

Couples must understand that all marriages have low points and high points. The trick is to hang on to each other through the tough times.

 

“Brooke Chaplan is a freelance writer and blogger. She lives in Los Lunas. New Mexico where she writes, runs, and hikes. In her research of this article she found Valerie M. Little Law Corporation can offer legal advice when marriages are in trouble, that might help couples see things in a new way. Contact Brooke via Twitter @BrookeChaplan.”

SNOWBOUND!

Here on the East Coast, we've been slammed more than usual this winter, with snow and ice storms that close schools, and in some cases, even cities.  When you suddenly have an unexpected "free" day, it's a great time to have some quality relationship time.

If you have kids, that may mean building snow people to represent everyone in your family.  Or maybe going sledding or having a snowball fight!  If you're like me, and prefer to stay warm and dry, what about a fire in the fireplace and hot cocoa?  It's a great time to put away the cell phones and computers and really take the opportunity to CONNECT with each other.  Play some games, bake cookies, finish that project when everyone's home to pitch in.

And if you're a couple without kids at home - well isn't this exactly what "afternoon delight" is about?  We get so caught up in our hectic day to day lives.  If you have a chance to get an unexpected bonus day, take it as an opportunity to nurture your relationship.

The New Year and Divorce

Did you know that more divorces are filed in February than any other month?  Why would that be?

The holidays are over and once more, they didn't live up to your hopes.  Maybe you thought that somehow some of the magic would be recaptured during that time, but it just didn't happen.  Maybe you had mentally given yourself until the end of the year for things to change.  Or maybe you just wanted to get through the holidays and not ruin them for the kids, before going to see a lawyer.

For these reasons, and I'm sure many more, the New Year is the beginning of the divorce process for many couples.  Usually January is spent meeting with and selecting an attorney, and the actual filing happens in February.

How did it get to this point?  Guest blogger, Brionna Kennedy, has written about it:

The Top Five Reasons for Divorce and How to Prevent them

 

Divorce is never an easy thing to go through. Often, even the most level-headed and compatible couples find themselves contemplating a call to a divorce lawyer. Here are a few of the top reasons listed for getting a divorce, and how to avoid them.

 1. Finances

Money is the number one source of stress for married couples. When one partner thinks the other is taking advantage of the finances, it feels like your livelihood is threatened. To combat this is, you must engage in constant communication about your financial situation. Make agreements about what each of you contributes, and consult a lawyer and financial counselor before any major purchases.

 

2. Cheating

Infidelity is another reason for leaving a marriage. People cheat for a lot of reasons: emotional detachment, lack of intimacy, pure selfishness. You can avoid this by maintaining regular emotional and physical closeness with your partner, in addition to regular counseling to keep your marriage healthy. There are many ways to avoid this outcome. By maintaining a strong relationship you will feel close and bonded to your partner.

 3. Stress

Once kids and balancing schedules come into the picture, stress skyrockets. This builds up until you've had just about enough and need to leave the marriage. You can solve this by carving a little time for yourself, and a little time for yourselves as a couple, to decompress and do something you enjoy. Building time management skills is a big help, too.

 4. Ennui

Ennui, or boredom, can be a death knell to marriage. You have to keep things interesting or they get old. This means regular dates, periodic reconnecting, and constant communication. It takes a lot of effort, but ennui is completely preventable if you want to stay in the marriage. If you do, the effort is well worth it. The closeness and security you can feel from a fully committed relationship is something you can find no other place. It is worth the time and effort it requires.

 5. Lack of Preparation

Some people simply aren't ready to be married. Either they're too young, or they moved too fast, or they were afraid of growing old alone. The only way to combat this is to make a serious decision about your partner. Is he or she the one you want to spend your life with? If so, contact a marriage counselor to see what can be done. Counselors have many different ideas and ways to help you work though any issues you might be experiencing.

 

There are times when a divorce can be avoided, and if both partners are willing to make necessary changes, a reconciliation can be successful. If saving the marriage isn't possible and divorce is imminent, there are many different choices and paths to proceed down. If there are children involved, make sure to keep them at the front of your mind. Don't let other feelings take over. Make sure they feel loved and cared for above everything else.

Brionna Kennedy is native to the Pacific Northwest, growing up in Washington, then moving down to Oregon for college. She enjoys writing on fashion and business, but any subject will do, she loves to learn about new topics. When she isn't writing, she lives for the outdoors. Oregon has been the perfect setting to indulge her love of kayaking, rock climbing, and hiking. When researching for this article she took a lot of info from Kelsos, The Law Firm, Newcastle natives use them as a trusted resource.

 

Paying Attention to Your Relationships

As I stated in my New Years' post, it's important to think about where you want to focus your attention in the new year.  Obviously, your primary relationship deserves a significant portion of that attention, although often, it is exactly what we tend to let slide. 

I realize that jobs and kids and chores and personal care can all take away from this important task, but I think if you approach it as "quality over quantity," you'll accomplish the job.

Guest blogger, Tricia Borren, makes some suggestions in her post, below, but they might not be practical, affordable, or even desirable for some of you.  We all have different ideas about what is "special."  Sometimes just a couple hours alone with your partner taking a drive, having a picnic, or grabbing a soup and salad are all that are required.

This should be time to really talk - about your hopes and dreams, your concerns and frustrations, what's working for you (both individually and as a couple), and what's not.  It's a time for uninterrupted SHARING of your time and attention with your partner.

I suggest doing this once a week, if at all possible.  Have a "date night."  If cost is a factor, maybe you and another couple could trade babysitting nights - you have their kids on Tuesday, and they take yours for your Thursday date nights.  And remember, quality does not have to be expensive.  A long walk or a burger and beer are fine, as long as you are PRESENT for each other.

And, for special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, you might want to try some of Tricia's ideas:

Escaping the Kids: Everything You Need for a Romantic Night Away

While it is a beautiful experience, parenthood can also be quite overwhelming. There are so many responsibilities involved in raising a child. These responsibilities often distract parents from spending quality time with one another. This can lead to major problems in the relationship, such as feelings of neglect. Fortunately, there are ways for parents to rekindle the magic. Here are four helpful tips for planning a romantic evening away from the kids.

Schedule a Babysitter
Before you can run off into the sunset, you must first take care of the kids. One helpful tip would be to hire someone to watch the kids for the evening. Be sure to make arrangements in advance in order to avoid any last minute disasters. It would also be wise to ask a friend or family member. This will allow more time away from home.

A Fancy Restaurant
Home-cooked meals are fine, but there are times when we need someone else to do the work. Both you and your partner can appreciate a dinner where neither has to do the cooking or cleaning. Make reservations at a nice restaurant. Because these moments are so rare, try to splurge a bit on the locations and meal selection. It will be a real treat for you and your partner.

A Nice Hotel
After such a romantic escape, it may be difficult to end it so quickly. Instead, the two of you can hide away at a lovely hotel for the night. Order champagne and flowers to create the right atmosphere. Request an in-room massage for the ultimate in relaxation and pampering. You may also want room service, in case you work up an appetite.

After giving so much for your children, it is natural to want to do something for yourself. Every parent could benefit from some adult time every once in a while. In fact, a little spontaneity could be good for your relationship. Use this night to rediscover the reasons why you first fell in love. Of course, this will take serious planning. However, if it brings you closer as a couple, then it will be worth the effort.

 

Tricia Borren

Mother and Blogger

Beverly Hills, CA

 

 

Getting the New Year off to a good start.

I've always thought that New Year's resolutions were vastly over-rated.  Studies show that only about 8% of people who make resolutions keep them.  Why?  I suspect it's because the resolutions are too ambitious, and/or, are entered into without a specific plan for how to achieve them. 

Don't get me wrong.  I think setting goals is a fine thing.  But they should be attainable goals.  Otherwise, they set you up for failure.  So along with a goal, you need a specific set of steps that you will take to make it likely that you will, indeed, realize that goal.

When starting a new year, I think it can often be helpful to think in terms of areas where we want to place out attention, rather than make hard and fast resolution.  What do you need to be paying more attention to?  How is the health of your relationship?  Does it suffer from lack of attention?  Are there things you could focus on to change that in 2014?

Whether it's your relationship or kids, health, job, friends, etc., going into the New Year with a commitment to pay more attention to the people and things that are most important to you might be a healthier approach. 

What do you want to pay more attention to in the New Year?  Share your thoughts with us, and have a wonderful, happy, healthy 2014.

Holidays! Part 2

Let's talk about money and the holidays today.  What are your family values about this?  Some people think they should go all out, run up the credit cards, and spend the next year paying them off.  Others have a set holiday budget and stick to it.  Problems can arise when you and your partner have different ideas about how much is too much.

Personally, I'm pretty frugal.  I've also lived long enough to learn that while a few thoughtful gifts are nice, loads and loads of "stuff" really is not what makes a holiday special.  How many gifts that you received last holiday season do you really still enjoy?  or even remember?  How about from five years ago?

And if you're buying for your kids, let me ask, "How many specific holiday gifts do you remember from your childhood?"  I'm guessing that you can maybe list two or three that stand out over your entire childhood - and they probably weren't the most expensive.  So, do you really want to break the bank for memories that probably won't really be remembered?

I'm not a scrooge.  I enjoy giving and receiving gifts - but I enjoy both ends of that equation more when they are few and thoughtful.  Two years ago, my favorite gift was a table item that probably cost no more than $10.  But it was something my friend knew I would really enjoy and use often.  I do.  And every time I do, I think of him.  He passed away less than two months after giving me that gift.

Quality time with family and friends is more important to me that the craziness of negotiating crowds at the mall.  How about you?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

Holidays!

If ever there were a season that is a challenge to relationships, it's the winter holidays, from Thanksgiving through the New Year.  You see, we all have grown up with our family traditions, and we hold them dear.  It's just that rarely do our traditions look the same as our partner's.  And even if they do, there are extended families to consider. 

Who will you spend which parts of the holidays with?  How will you handle gift giving?  Does one family typically give more than the other?  How do you incorporate traditions such as favorite foods, religious services, decorating rituals, entertaining, etc.?  When we become part of a couple, those traditions must be considered and merged.  That is often not easy when they are so much a part of our best family memories.

What difficulties have you and your partner had in negotiating the holidays?  What has worked well for you?  How have you arrived at compromise that you can both agree to?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

Idiosyncrasies

We all have them - those little habits, quirks, preferences, etc.  Idiosyncrasies.  They're a part of what makes us who we are, and we're all unique.  But they can drive your partner crazy!  Here are a couple examples from my practice:

Sue and Harry met at mid life.  He was a widower, and she, divorced.  Their children were all grown and they looked forward to sharing their golden years together.  One of the things Sue thought was especially sweet about Harry was how he liked to whistle.  It was nice being around someone so happy!

But soon, the whistling got very old.  Harry whistled all the time - in the car, at meals, even in restaurants.  It started to drive Sue crazy!  Pretty soon, she was snapping at him to stop.  He would, for awhile.  But he was oblivious to his whistling so pretty soon it would start again.  Before long, she was going to another area of the house to avoid him and the whistling.  Their relationship became strained.

Harry finally managed to break the habit, but it was very difficult, and took quite a toll on Sue's patience. 

What idiosyncrasies do you and your partner have?  Remember, that the way you are now is likely to be similar to how you are 20 years from now.  Will those little quirks still be so endearing then?  Talk about it NOW - before you say "I Do."

And I'd love to hear your stories about how you've dealt with such things in your relationships.

The Challenge of a Family Crisis

I've been thinking a lot about death this past week.  A very good friend of mine took leave of her very frail body Monday, after a six year struggle.  Her funeral is later today.  I've also seen two different couples in the past week who have had the death of a parent recently. 

These events have led me to think about what a crisis time this is for a couple.  The person who has lost a parent is in the process of active grieving.  Their partner then has to shoulder the entire load of family responsibilities and support the grieving partner.  This can get old very fast.  One of the couples I mention above has broken up, in large part because the non-bereaved partner is feeling neglected and ignored.

Emotions are at an all time high during early grief.  Things are often said out of frustration that are not meant, but can't be taken back.  I remember when my father passed, a cousin on my mother's side called and asked me if it was important to my mother that he be there.  He was my mother's favorite relative, and so I told him "yes."  His response, which I'm sure he wished he could take back as soon as it came out of his mouth was, "it's just a very inconvenient time." 

My thought, of course, was, "I'm so sorry my father's death is not convenient for you."  All of this goes to the saying therapists have, "under stress, we regress."  If you, or someone you know, is going through a major life crisis - serious illness, loss of a loved one, loss of job, etc., cut them some slack.  We're all going to be there at one time or another.

Compromise

We've all heard about how important it is to be able to compromise in relationships.  I agree, and I work with lots of couples on how to do just that.  But when does compromise become too much?  In other words, at what point is there so much compromise that your needs are being met?

I think all of us have both "needs" and "wants" in relationships.  It's really important to distinguish between the two.  "Needs" are qualities that you absolutely MUST have in your relationship in order to be happy.  For some people, this requires a partner who wants children (or who does not).  For others, it's sharing similar religious beliefs.  For me, if you don't like my dogs - well, that's a deal-breaker!  These are NEEDS, and they leave little room for compromise.

Then, we have lots of "wants."  Tall, dark, and handsome would be nice - but not necessary.  Maybe it would be great if you share the same taste in music or movies or food - but it's not a requirement.

With "wants," there's lots of space for give and take.  But if a relationship doesn't satisfy your "needs," then that's a serious problem.  Have you identified the distinction between needs and wants for yourself and  your relationship?  It's a crucial thing to know before making a commitment.

You just don't "get it."

In this morning's newspaper, I read an article that quoted actor, Jeff Bridges, on his ideas about relationships.  What he said is thought provoking.  To paraphrase, he said that the only real problem that relationships encounter is that people "just don't get it."  All relationship problems, he posits, are a variation on this.  Then he adds that we'll never "get it," and that love needs to be big enough to allow for this.  What are your thoughts?

How Much Space do You Need in Your Relationship?

I have a divorced friend who was married for 20 years, and her divorce has been very amicable.  She and her ex are still friends.  She often says that the reason the marriage lasted so long is that her husband traveled all the time.  In other words, she likes being alone.  She is in a job where she interacts with people intensely all day long, and relishes the quiet of her "off" hours.  She doesn't want to have to think about what to cook for dinner.  She doesn't want to have to take another person into consideration when making plans.  She's just fine on her own, thank you very much!

While this degree of "space" might seem extreme, each of us has our own requirements that must be taken into consideration in a relationship.  I recently worked with a couple where one person's need for space was much greater than the other's.  They are struggling to negotiate how to create enough togetherness to satisfy one, without the other feeling smothered. 

This is a common issue that usually first comes up during the dating period, but is often not addressed until after marriage.  Big mistake!  Talk about these things before marriage.  It will help you learn how to negotiate and compromise, and you won't be going into the commitment with false expectations.

Defining your Terms

I had a couple in my office a few weeks ago for pre-marital counseling, and we were talking about the characteristics that each needed in a partner.  One of the qualities they agreed on was "Loyalty."  But oh, what different definitions they had!

"Jeff" defined loyalty as putting their relationship before all others.  They, as a couple, took precedence over any other friend or family relationships.  "Susan," on the other hand, defined it as agreeing with her on everything, especially in front of other people.  This meant that even if Jeff had an entirely different opinion than Susan, she would consider is disloyal for him to voice it to others.

That's quite a difference in definitions of a fairly simple word.  What does "loyalty" in your primary relationship mean to you?  Are there other words in which you and your partner get hung up on different definitions?  Let's have some conversation about semantics.

A Really Nice Review

Thanks so much to therapist, Jamie Zewe for a great review!  http://jamielz.blogspot.com/2012/02/divorce-proof-your-marriage-review.html

365 Days to "I Do"

The following is reprinted by permission from www.cupidspulse.com.  It is an interview with therapist and author, Dr. Janet Blair Page, about her book, "Get Married This Year: 365 Days to 'I Do.'"

“Get Married This Year: 365 Days to ‘I Do’”

By Whitney Baker

Sure, we all want to find “the right guy,” but how do we successfully approach such a task?  In her new book Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do,” relationship expert, professor and psychotherapist Dr. Janet Blair Page shares her easy-to-follow 12-month plan to help readers not only get married this year but to build a loving andlong-lasting relationship with the man of their dreams.  We had the chance to interview Dr. Page, during which she shared her personal story of true love. She also expanded on the steps of her program and discussed why her plan really works.

 Can you tell us about your book and why you wrote it?

In 1984, I began teaching a course at Emory University called “Before a Year Is Over, I’ll Be Married.”  The way people meet and date has changed over the last three decades, but the problems haven’t changed: they feel like they’re not meeting enough eligible people, or if they are, they keep facing the same relationship love blocks over and over again.  As a psychotherapist — divorced and remarried myself — I was not only able to empathize with many of the women, but I have personally been on the same path and have my own backlog of bloopers.  I’ve also experienced the joys of a good marriage, and it’s the most wonderful way I can think to spend your life.  This book offers the experience I have gathered.

 

Your first bit of advice is to get to know yourself.  What does a woman need to do to truly know herself? 

To truly know herself a woman has to be scrupulously honest about whom she is and has been.  A positive realism toward herself and all others in her life is the definition of mental health.  She also needs to be aware of her effect on others – life is a team sport – be open to caring and competent critique from people with low to no agendas.  If she has personal pain, she needs to have the courage to heal; and if change in her behavior or attitude would be advisable, she needs to be willing to make it happen.

Before a woman can “find the right guy” (month 6), she must figure out what that means to her.  What advice do you have for someone at this stage in her journey to love?

“The right guy” is not only the best possible man for you but also one with whom you are absolutely willing to put in whatever it takes to make your relationship succeed.  You trust and respect each other, have shared your goals and desires, enjoy the comfort of being honest with each other, and love each other unconditionally.  You crave being together but are able to be apart without having to worry about the other person’s behavior.  You both understand mutuality and are capable of truth telling.  (The truth — as inconvenient as it can sometimes be — usually comes out one way or another.  Wouldn’t you rather it be on your terms?).  You feel even better about yourself being with him and loving him with your brain as well as your whole heart.

Do you believe that this timeline works for all women?  If not, whom wouldn’t it work for?

It depends on your starting point.  For women who have already accomplished some of the tasks – they knew what they wanted in a man and how to spot a keeper but not how to date or create a close relationship, for example – a year works.  But realistically, many women won’t be able to become self-aware or good at self-marketing and dating, de-cluttering their lives, communicating, and connecting beautifully with a man in 365 days.  Succeeding at every stage in the 12-month program is much more important than meeting the timeline.

I’m not worried about the women who aren’t married in 365 days as long as they have fixed their old, ineffective behaviors and are in a place to go out and find their soul mate.  The ones I worry about (and who I’d especially like to help) are the ones who continue to drag an ineligible man behind them for years.  Keeping my game plan in mind can help them transition to a more effective dating strategies.

Wouldn’t some relationships benefit from dating for longer than 365 days?

There’s a difference between a couple who both know that they want to be married to each other and just haven’t set a date yet and a relationship where one party is simply a placeholder while the other party figures out what s/he wants. After 365 days, he should know if he is interested in marrying you and will have let you know by thought, words, and actions.  That said, keep in mind that men like to control the when and how, and unless you think he will never get around to it, bide your time and let him be the conquering hero.

Do you think your program can benefit a man in the same way it benefits a woman?  Why or why not?

Yes!  I know it can.  Many men took my class, and all seem to like the “pull no punches but have a sense of humor” approach.  Also, most of my clients are men, and while they are less likely to buy a book or take a class, they experience the same pain, if not more, in love.  They are very welcoming of any rules that can alleviate hurt and promote success.  Marriage and being in love is of tremendous benefit to men, and they know it.  I’ve spent a great deal of time in my practice learning how men feel and interact in relationships.  My program is not only effective for men, but I’ve developed it to help women be effective in dating them by using my experience with men in therapy.

My favorite success story is my older daughter’s.  When Tasha got serious about getting married, she flew down from New York and took my course.  She listened to the lecture audio and kept the workbook with her at all times.  When she went back home, we scheduled regular consults about where she was going and whom she was dating.  Tasha religiously stuck to the big three: going out three times a week somewhere, anywhere it was possible to meet someone to date or someone who could be a conduit to someone to date; keeping an open mind about her type of man; and only dating qualified males.  She told me about a guy she met in a bar while shooting pool.  Eric was younger, a writer and an intellectual.  He seemed shy, and he wasn’t her type, she said.  I encouraged her to pursue it anyway.

She accepted the date – nothing to lose and a possible gain.  Then she told me he suggested they do show-and-tell and wasn’t that “cool.”  I thought, “A match!”  It was the request of someone who wanted guaranteed talking points and was accepted as a smooth move.  Eric brought old coins that she found intriguing, and she was also impressed by the history lesson that went with them because she had wanted someone smart.  And that was it.  They were and are perfect together.  Although it’s always a great joy to me to know that that couples I’ve helped get together are still happily married, it’s particularly great when I get a treasure for a son-in-law.

To find your Mr. Right – and get married this year – visit Amazon to purchase Get Married This Year: 365 to “I Do.”  For more information on Dr. Page’s book, therapy and classes, visit her website.

Is Divorce Right For You?

Therapist and author, Margaret Paul, Ph.D., has an excellent blog called "Inner Bonding."  Today's post is on how to make a decision about whether or not divorce is right for you.  It's well worth reading, if that's a question you've asked yourself:  http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3041/is-divorce-the-answer-for-you.html.

A Newlywed Discusses Pre-Marital Counseling

Hi Everyone,

We have a guest article today from newlywed, Sarah Thaman (sthaman@oneclickventures.com).  It's great to have her perspective!


On paper, my husband and I come from similar backgrounds. We were both raised in areas of Kentucky, we both have loving families, and we both went to private religious schools. Our financial and economical backgrounds are similar, we both participated in sports growing up, and we met in college, as we attended the same school. However, it’s only when we started really getting to know each other that the differences appeared.


We started dating my Junior and his Senior year of college. In regular “getting to know each other” talk, we discussed things like religion (he was raised Catholic, I was raised Christian/Baptist), families (his parents are divorced, mine are married), finances (how we would spend and save), and what we wanted our futures to look like. I was always taught to casually lay out the deal breakers early on in the game when it came to relationships. I wanted to have kids, be a stay-at-home mom, religion was to be a critical part of our relationship, and there were certain expectations I had of my husband when it came to leadership. I had been “groomed” to discuss such things early on, because to me, it was important to figure out if the man I was dating agreed with this, before we fell deeply in love and decided to get married. I didn’t want to be one of those girls who threw caution to the wind and realized I married a man who didn’t value any of the things I valued further down the road. We wanted to “divorce proof” our marriage, especially since my husband experienced divorce in his family.


While most of this dialogue was initiated by me, I think both of us were in a place in our lives where we weren’t playing games when it came to our future, so these discussions came naturally as we looked towards graduation. They say you know when you meet “the one,” and I don’t really believe in fate, but I think we both knew we were suited for each other in a way that meant we could seriously discuss marriage. Don’t get me wrong, we had a lot of fun and our early dating wasn’t all “serious” -- but at the same time, we knew marriage was a real possibility for us if things progressed as we both hoped.


Fast forward two and half years. We were engaged and ready for the pre-marital counseling provided by the church where we were going to be married. While I thought we had discussed pretty much every topic under the sun (and not always agreed 100 percent, this isn’t a fairy tale ya’ll), I was surprised when things we hadn’t talked about in detail came up.


While it is some of the differences in personality and background that make us complement each other so well, it’s those differences that brought up things to talk about. How would we discipline our kids? How would we divide up the household duties? How would we divide up family time between our extended family? Who would manage the bills? Even how we’ll “fight” with each other, was discussed. While some of these are minor details and didn’t provide us with much of a challenge, we enjoyed plotting things out together.


In our pre-martial counseling, we also had a full day where we joined with other engaged couples and had a lot of group discussion about personalities. In one exercise we were to all call out character traits we felt were necessary in our spouse, and that we valued as individuals. Words like loyalty, kindness, and patience were overarching trends. And it’s pretty true, if everyone stuck to these values, would there be as many divorces? If we woke up every morning and thought, “I will be loyal, I will be kind, and I will be patient,” there would be far less to fight about.


I think we both came into marriage with a clear understanding that no one is perfect, that marriage takes work, and there are days when it’s harder to love each other than others. But we both looked at marriage as a gift and a challenge that brings great reward. Although I’ve only been married for six months, I know that we are in for the long haul. We both took our vows very seriously, and because we put so much out on the table for discussion and “argued” so many things out early on in the game, I believe we are in a better position than the average newlyweds. I’m not pretending like we have all the answers, or we’ll never have struggles, but

I firmly believe that if couples take these steps, they’ll be able to divorce proof their marriage, or decide that marriage may not be right for them.


About the author: Sarah is a newlywed and enjoys sharing her wedding and relationship advice. Outside of newlywed life, she writes about fashion handbags for Handbag Heaven, plays with her precious puppy Luna, and plans up a future that includes and a mighty cool bucket list full of awesome travel destinations!

What Causes the Most Arguments Between Couples?

I just read a great article from The Couples Institute that says most arguments stem from unmet expectations. I think they're right on target. I encourage you to read this: http://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/blog/couples-fights-what-is-one-big-common-denominator.html