Moving In Together: Is Your Relationship Ready for the Next Level?

Guest blogger, Brooke Chaplan, offers some thoughts today about the decision to live together:

 

You and your partner are totally smitten with one another, and it's come time to talk about the idea of living together. They say you don't really know someone until you've lived with them, and to a degree, this is true. If you think you want to take the leap and share living space, here are a few ways you can tell if you and your relationship are ready.

 You're Practically Already Living Together

If you're spending so much time with each other, you're practically living together, then the next step will come easily. At this point, you've both already seen what the other lives like . Once you're already aware that he doesn't rinse the sink after he shaves, or that she leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor, you won't be so surprised by the other quirks you'll learn.

 You've Always Worked It Out

Paradoxically, fighting is actually an important part of a relationship. Every couple has disagreements, sometimes ugly ones, but the end results are a good indicator of your relationship's strength. If you both take steps to resolve your conflicts in a mutually satisfying way, it's much easier to maintain peace while living together. It's also important to offer reassurance after arguments. Just because you fight with someone doesn't mean you don't still love them, but it's nice to be reminded.

 Giving Up Some Independence

No relationship comes without compromise, but a slight loss of independence is what can get to some people the most. By no means should you let your partner control everything you do, but it's normal, and important, to give up a little of that freedom you knew when you were single. For a relationship to be successful, each person has to consider the feelings of the other, otherwise there will be conflict.

Lifestyle Compatibility

It's essential to take your individual lifestyles into account. If they aren't at least reasonably similar, living together is going to be rough. Differences in work and school schedules, religions, values and even aesthetic tastes can cause problems if they run afoul of your partner's habits and tastes. Fortunately, some of these are easier to remedy. If you're both collectors but have wildly differing collections, you might end up vying for space. In this case, a good compromise would be for each of you to put some of your collectibles in a storage center so there's plenty of space.

 

Making the choice to move in together is a big step that shouldn't be taken lightly for any couple. Besides all of the work that goes into it, you also become more emotionally invested in the relationship. Before taking the plunge, be sure you're both ready for it.

The New Year and Divorce

Did you know that more divorces are filed in February than any other month?  Why would that be?

The holidays are over and once more, they didn't live up to your hopes.  Maybe you thought that somehow some of the magic would be recaptured during that time, but it just didn't happen.  Maybe you had mentally given yourself until the end of the year for things to change.  Or maybe you just wanted to get through the holidays and not ruin them for the kids, before going to see a lawyer.

For these reasons, and I'm sure many more, the New Year is the beginning of the divorce process for many couples.  Usually January is spent meeting with and selecting an attorney, and the actual filing happens in February.

How did it get to this point?  Guest blogger, Brionna Kennedy, has written about it:

The Top Five Reasons for Divorce and How to Prevent them

 

Divorce is never an easy thing to go through. Often, even the most level-headed and compatible couples find themselves contemplating a call to a divorce lawyer. Here are a few of the top reasons listed for getting a divorce, and how to avoid them.

 1. Finances

Money is the number one source of stress for married couples. When one partner thinks the other is taking advantage of the finances, it feels like your livelihood is threatened. To combat this is, you must engage in constant communication about your financial situation. Make agreements about what each of you contributes, and consult a lawyer and financial counselor before any major purchases.

 

2. Cheating

Infidelity is another reason for leaving a marriage. People cheat for a lot of reasons: emotional detachment, lack of intimacy, pure selfishness. You can avoid this by maintaining regular emotional and physical closeness with your partner, in addition to regular counseling to keep your marriage healthy. There are many ways to avoid this outcome. By maintaining a strong relationship you will feel close and bonded to your partner.

 3. Stress

Once kids and balancing schedules come into the picture, stress skyrockets. This builds up until you've had just about enough and need to leave the marriage. You can solve this by carving a little time for yourself, and a little time for yourselves as a couple, to decompress and do something you enjoy. Building time management skills is a big help, too.

 4. Ennui

Ennui, or boredom, can be a death knell to marriage. You have to keep things interesting or they get old. This means regular dates, periodic reconnecting, and constant communication. It takes a lot of effort, but ennui is completely preventable if you want to stay in the marriage. If you do, the effort is well worth it. The closeness and security you can feel from a fully committed relationship is something you can find no other place. It is worth the time and effort it requires.

 5. Lack of Preparation

Some people simply aren't ready to be married. Either they're too young, or they moved too fast, or they were afraid of growing old alone. The only way to combat this is to make a serious decision about your partner. Is he or she the one you want to spend your life with? If so, contact a marriage counselor to see what can be done. Counselors have many different ideas and ways to help you work though any issues you might be experiencing.

 

There are times when a divorce can be avoided, and if both partners are willing to make necessary changes, a reconciliation can be successful. If saving the marriage isn't possible and divorce is imminent, there are many different choices and paths to proceed down. If there are children involved, make sure to keep them at the front of your mind. Don't let other feelings take over. Make sure they feel loved and cared for above everything else.

Brionna Kennedy is native to the Pacific Northwest, growing up in Washington, then moving down to Oregon for college. She enjoys writing on fashion and business, but any subject will do, she loves to learn about new topics. When she isn't writing, she lives for the outdoors. Oregon has been the perfect setting to indulge her love of kayaking, rock climbing, and hiking. When researching for this article she took a lot of info from Kelsos, The Law Firm, Newcastle natives use them as a trusted resource.

 

Holidays! Part 2

Let's talk about money and the holidays today.  What are your family values about this?  Some people think they should go all out, run up the credit cards, and spend the next year paying them off.  Others have a set holiday budget and stick to it.  Problems can arise when you and your partner have different ideas about how much is too much.

Personally, I'm pretty frugal.  I've also lived long enough to learn that while a few thoughtful gifts are nice, loads and loads of "stuff" really is not what makes a holiday special.  How many gifts that you received last holiday season do you really still enjoy?  or even remember?  How about from five years ago?

And if you're buying for your kids, let me ask, "How many specific holiday gifts do you remember from your childhood?"  I'm guessing that you can maybe list two or three that stand out over your entire childhood - and they probably weren't the most expensive.  So, do you really want to break the bank for memories that probably won't really be remembered?

I'm not a scrooge.  I enjoy giving and receiving gifts - but I enjoy both ends of that equation more when they are few and thoughtful.  Two years ago, my favorite gift was a table item that probably cost no more than $10.  But it was something my friend knew I would really enjoy and use often.  I do.  And every time I do, I think of him.  He passed away less than two months after giving me that gift.

Quality time with family and friends is more important to me that the craziness of negotiating crowds at the mall.  How about you?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

You and Your Attorney: Your Next Big Relationship, Part 2

The following post is part 2 of the post from Monday, by matrimonial attorney, Amy De Shong:

Your attorney should give you a written summary, often called a fee agreement letter, of exactly how and when you will be billed. Read it carefully and do not sign it if you have questions, concerns, or if you do not understand it. Expect to receive invoices monthly and insist that they set forth detailed charges so that you always know exactly where you stand. If your attorney seems uncomfortable answering your reasonable questions about any charges, that’s a red flag. Tell your attorney how you feel and if he or she is not responsive, it may be time to move on to someone else.

You and your counsel should map out a strategy that meets your goals and concerns. That means that you have to be able to identify and articulate those goals and concerns, at least on a basic level. For example, you may want your attorney to get as much money for you as possible, but without being ugly or combative. Your attorney may point out that those goals conflict if your spouse is hiding money from you. That should prompt a healthy discussion about how far your attorney can go in issuing subpoenas and other legal documents before you will become too uncomfortable. Then, talk about what happens after that..

Similarly, be as clear as you can be about your preferred child custody arrangements. If you are a dad who is just fine with alternating weekends, make sure your lawyer knows that so that he or she does not start demanding equally shared custody on your behalf.

As you go along, keep a file of your notes, all correspondence, all emails, and other papers such as pleadings and financial information. Make sure your attorney and his or her assistants do not send emails and other communications to your workplace, unless you want them to do so. (Think carefully about that, by the way.) Clarify expected response times. (In this age of instant responses, some clients demand instant answers to complex questions -- that's not such a good idea.) Plan your phone calls and email exchanges so that you keep your costs down. While you are anxious and upset, it’s easy to ask the same questions over and over again: if you can take careful notes and then refer back to them when you get upset, rather than calling your attorney, you will save money on legal fees. Talk with your counsel about what you can do on your own to contribute to your case and keep your fees down. For example, you may be able to gather and copy documents, or even to prepare summaries of financial information. Just remember that your attorney must read and understand it all in order to make an effective presentation on your behalf.

Remember that no reputable, experienced family lawyer is threatened by a well informed client who seeks to reduce his or her legal fees! At the same time, however, if you find that you are constantly second-guessing or questioning your counsel, he or she will begin to feel mistrusted and not respected. If that goes on for too long, the relationship may fail. If you start to feel that things are not going well between you and your attorney, speak up.

If you have to attend any Court or other legal proceedings, your attorney should explain to you exactly what is expected of you, how much time will be involved, and what will likely happen that day. Will you be cooling your heels in the hallway with your spouse while the attorneys speak with the Judge? Will there be any decision that day? Court is not like what we see on TV and in the movies – there is a lot of waiting. Judges have heavy caseloads and they do not always have the time to read the file before we get there. You can arrive eager and ready for action, only to find yourself 15th on a list of 20 cases.

Attorneys are people too. Sometimes your relationship with your spouse plays out in your relationship with your attorney. The spouse of an aggressive and overbearing spouse retains an aggressive and overbearing attorney. That client gets swept along in an emotionally and financially costly exercise without ever being in control. Because that’s business as usual for that spouse, he or she may not even be aware of it. No personal growth occurs for that client. As a result, he or she may never be able to move beyond the divorce.

Even if your relationship with your counsel is perfect, he or she may head off confidently in directions that you do not want. When that occurs, it’s often because your attorney has grown to care deeply about you and wishes to do whatever it takes to protect your future – sometimes without checking with you first! If you feel that your attorney has raised the battle flag and run headlong into a skirmish that you have no interest in waging, speak up!

While no divorce is ever pleasant, if you have a good relationship with a good attorney and you work as a team, you can expect to come through the process strong, solid, and confident.

Amy P. De Shong, Esquire
Fellow, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
Wisler Pearlstine, LLP
460 Norristown Road, Suite 110
Blue Bell, PA 19422-2326
Phone: (610) 825-8400
adeshong@wispearl.com
www.wislerpearlstine.com

Copyright 2011 Amy P. De Shong, Wisler Pearlstine, LLP

Talking About the Tough Stuff

Most couples have certain subjects that are taboo - or at least very difficult to talk about. My book, "Divorce Proof Your Marriage Before You Say 'I Do' helps couples with these conversations. But what are the topics in YOUR relationship that need to be discussed but are being swept under the carpet? Does it relate to children? money? sex?

I'd love for us to get a conversation going on this blog about those difficult to talk about subjects.

What About Money?

Many studies have shown that money is the single biggest issue over which couples disagree. How money is to be handled is often not discussed before marraige, and it needs to be. The rule of not talking about money or politics may be appropriate at a party, but not if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone!

Money represents different things to different people. For some, money is power. S/he who makes the most gets to decide how it's spent. For others, it is status, and for still others, security. Are you a spender or a saver? Do you have an investment and/or retirement plan? Are you saving for something big like a house or college education? How do you feel about debt? Are you living within your means? Do you hoard money?

Fist, you need to know your own feelings and attitudes about money, and then, your partner's. These are important and necessary discussions to have. I'd love to hear from some of you - how have you handled money in your marriages? What has worked for you and what hasn't worked?