How Important is Compromise?

I often hear people talk about how essential compromise is to a successful marriage.  While I agree that in any kind of relationship - family, friends, or with your significant other, it will be important to compromise from time to time.  But is it key to making a marriage work?  Joel F. Wade, Ph.D. and author of the book, Mastering Happiness, has some thoughts about this.

Wade says compromise is kind of like when one person wants a room painted yellow, the other wants it painted blue, and we compromise and get green. Compromise is sometimes win/win, sometimes not.  If you are compromising on a lot of things in your relationship, at some point you may feel over compromised and resentful.

Compromise isn't the driving force of a great relationship.  Rather, Dr. Wade says, a shared vision, or the idea that the two of you are a team, is more important than the ability to compromise.

Do you and your partner work as a team?  Tell us about it!

Making a Marriage Last

Guest blogger, Brooke Chaplan, has some thoughts today on making a marriage last.  After you've read her blog, I'd love your thoughts - what would you add to Brook's list?

 

Make a Lasting Marriage: Tips to Preserve Your Relationship

With so many divorces happening each and every day, it is no wonder that married people worry about how they can make their relationships last. There are no secret ingredients to a long-lasting marriage. It takes love, respect, and work from both partners. Yet, there are a few tips that can help you preserve your relationship, and maintain a long, healthy marriage.

 Keep Communication Open

Open communication means more than just talking to your partner each day. You have to be honest in that communication, and make sure your wants and needs are clear. Real communication cannot take place in a few minutes on the phone, while feeding the kids dinner, or through text messages. If you don't like talking to your partner, or don't feel that it is important enough to demand your time, then there is an issue that needs to be explored and resolved.

 

Share Time

Life can be busy, especially if you have kids. Therefore, it is vital that married couples take time for themselves, and enjoy spending time together. Spending time together can help couples reconnect, and remember that connection that brought them together in the first place. It is important for couples to share time together doing activities they both enjoy. Find time for you and your spouse to connect one on one, whether it's a long shopping trip together, or a nice dinner once a week.

 Add Some Spice

When life seems dull and repetitive, marriage can feel the same way. To make the marriage last, a couple has to figure out ways to spice up life. This might mean taking a romantic vacation together, or trying something new in the bedroom. You might even try taking a class together. When you learn together, you will be able to connect and have fun, making memories to last a lifetime.

 

Maintain Independence

Each partner in a marriage must maintain some degree of independence to make the marriage work for the long run. Partners who become too clingy, or couples who can't seem to detach themselves from each other often have real issues that must be solved. Individual partners must have their own interests, hobbies, and meaningful work to keep them happy. Do what is best for you, and make sure your spouse feels valued as an individual. This will help the both of you stay afloat when you need to take a break from each other.

 

Seeking Advice

When a marriage seems to be in trouble, couples cannot immediately abandon ship. One idea is to seek advice from a therapist or marriage counselor. Marriages sometimes need new energy breathed into them, and quitting before giving the marriage a chance is not always the answer.

 

Couples must understand that all marriages have low points and high points. The trick is to hang on to each other through the tough times.

 

“Brooke Chaplan is a freelance writer and blogger. She lives in Los Lunas. New Mexico where she writes, runs, and hikes. In her research of this article she found Valerie M. Little Law Corporation can offer legal advice when marriages are in trouble, that might help couples see things in a new way. Contact Brooke via Twitter @BrookeChaplan.”

SNOWBOUND!

Here on the East Coast, we've been slammed more than usual this winter, with snow and ice storms that close schools, and in some cases, even cities.  When you suddenly have an unexpected "free" day, it's a great time to have some quality relationship time.

If you have kids, that may mean building snow people to represent everyone in your family.  Or maybe going sledding or having a snowball fight!  If you're like me, and prefer to stay warm and dry, what about a fire in the fireplace and hot cocoa?  It's a great time to put away the cell phones and computers and really take the opportunity to CONNECT with each other.  Play some games, bake cookies, finish that project when everyone's home to pitch in.

And if you're a couple without kids at home - well isn't this exactly what "afternoon delight" is about?  We get so caught up in our hectic day to day lives.  If you have a chance to get an unexpected bonus day, take it as an opportunity to nurture your relationship.

The New Year and Divorce

Did you know that more divorces are filed in February than any other month?  Why would that be?

The holidays are over and once more, they didn't live up to your hopes.  Maybe you thought that somehow some of the magic would be recaptured during that time, but it just didn't happen.  Maybe you had mentally given yourself until the end of the year for things to change.  Or maybe you just wanted to get through the holidays and not ruin them for the kids, before going to see a lawyer.

For these reasons, and I'm sure many more, the New Year is the beginning of the divorce process for many couples.  Usually January is spent meeting with and selecting an attorney, and the actual filing happens in February.

How did it get to this point?  Guest blogger, Brionna Kennedy, has written about it:

The Top Five Reasons for Divorce and How to Prevent them

 

Divorce is never an easy thing to go through. Often, even the most level-headed and compatible couples find themselves contemplating a call to a divorce lawyer. Here are a few of the top reasons listed for getting a divorce, and how to avoid them.

 1. Finances

Money is the number one source of stress for married couples. When one partner thinks the other is taking advantage of the finances, it feels like your livelihood is threatened. To combat this is, you must engage in constant communication about your financial situation. Make agreements about what each of you contributes, and consult a lawyer and financial counselor before any major purchases.

 

2. Cheating

Infidelity is another reason for leaving a marriage. People cheat for a lot of reasons: emotional detachment, lack of intimacy, pure selfishness. You can avoid this by maintaining regular emotional and physical closeness with your partner, in addition to regular counseling to keep your marriage healthy. There are many ways to avoid this outcome. By maintaining a strong relationship you will feel close and bonded to your partner.

 3. Stress

Once kids and balancing schedules come into the picture, stress skyrockets. This builds up until you've had just about enough and need to leave the marriage. You can solve this by carving a little time for yourself, and a little time for yourselves as a couple, to decompress and do something you enjoy. Building time management skills is a big help, too.

 4. Ennui

Ennui, or boredom, can be a death knell to marriage. You have to keep things interesting or they get old. This means regular dates, periodic reconnecting, and constant communication. It takes a lot of effort, but ennui is completely preventable if you want to stay in the marriage. If you do, the effort is well worth it. The closeness and security you can feel from a fully committed relationship is something you can find no other place. It is worth the time and effort it requires.

 5. Lack of Preparation

Some people simply aren't ready to be married. Either they're too young, or they moved too fast, or they were afraid of growing old alone. The only way to combat this is to make a serious decision about your partner. Is he or she the one you want to spend your life with? If so, contact a marriage counselor to see what can be done. Counselors have many different ideas and ways to help you work though any issues you might be experiencing.

 

There are times when a divorce can be avoided, and if both partners are willing to make necessary changes, a reconciliation can be successful. If saving the marriage isn't possible and divorce is imminent, there are many different choices and paths to proceed down. If there are children involved, make sure to keep them at the front of your mind. Don't let other feelings take over. Make sure they feel loved and cared for above everything else.

Brionna Kennedy is native to the Pacific Northwest, growing up in Washington, then moving down to Oregon for college. She enjoys writing on fashion and business, but any subject will do, she loves to learn about new topics. When she isn't writing, she lives for the outdoors. Oregon has been the perfect setting to indulge her love of kayaking, rock climbing, and hiking. When researching for this article she took a lot of info from Kelsos, The Law Firm, Newcastle natives use them as a trusted resource.

 

Paying Attention to Your Relationships

As I stated in my New Years' post, it's important to think about where you want to focus your attention in the new year.  Obviously, your primary relationship deserves a significant portion of that attention, although often, it is exactly what we tend to let slide. 

I realize that jobs and kids and chores and personal care can all take away from this important task, but I think if you approach it as "quality over quantity," you'll accomplish the job.

Guest blogger, Tricia Borren, makes some suggestions in her post, below, but they might not be practical, affordable, or even desirable for some of you.  We all have different ideas about what is "special."  Sometimes just a couple hours alone with your partner taking a drive, having a picnic, or grabbing a soup and salad are all that are required.

This should be time to really talk - about your hopes and dreams, your concerns and frustrations, what's working for you (both individually and as a couple), and what's not.  It's a time for uninterrupted SHARING of your time and attention with your partner.

I suggest doing this once a week, if at all possible.  Have a "date night."  If cost is a factor, maybe you and another couple could trade babysitting nights - you have their kids on Tuesday, and they take yours for your Thursday date nights.  And remember, quality does not have to be expensive.  A long walk or a burger and beer are fine, as long as you are PRESENT for each other.

And, for special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, you might want to try some of Tricia's ideas:

Escaping the Kids: Everything You Need for a Romantic Night Away

While it is a beautiful experience, parenthood can also be quite overwhelming. There are so many responsibilities involved in raising a child. These responsibilities often distract parents from spending quality time with one another. This can lead to major problems in the relationship, such as feelings of neglect. Fortunately, there are ways for parents to rekindle the magic. Here are four helpful tips for planning a romantic evening away from the kids.

Schedule a Babysitter
Before you can run off into the sunset, you must first take care of the kids. One helpful tip would be to hire someone to watch the kids for the evening. Be sure to make arrangements in advance in order to avoid any last minute disasters. It would also be wise to ask a friend or family member. This will allow more time away from home.

A Fancy Restaurant
Home-cooked meals are fine, but there are times when we need someone else to do the work. Both you and your partner can appreciate a dinner where neither has to do the cooking or cleaning. Make reservations at a nice restaurant. Because these moments are so rare, try to splurge a bit on the locations and meal selection. It will be a real treat for you and your partner.

A Nice Hotel
After such a romantic escape, it may be difficult to end it so quickly. Instead, the two of you can hide away at a lovely hotel for the night. Order champagne and flowers to create the right atmosphere. Request an in-room massage for the ultimate in relaxation and pampering. You may also want room service, in case you work up an appetite.

After giving so much for your children, it is natural to want to do something for yourself. Every parent could benefit from some adult time every once in a while. In fact, a little spontaneity could be good for your relationship. Use this night to rediscover the reasons why you first fell in love. Of course, this will take serious planning. However, if it brings you closer as a couple, then it will be worth the effort.

 

Tricia Borren

Mother and Blogger

Beverly Hills, CA

 

 

Getting the New Year off to a good start.

I've always thought that New Year's resolutions were vastly over-rated.  Studies show that only about 8% of people who make resolutions keep them.  Why?  I suspect it's because the resolutions are too ambitious, and/or, are entered into without a specific plan for how to achieve them. 

Don't get me wrong.  I think setting goals is a fine thing.  But they should be attainable goals.  Otherwise, they set you up for failure.  So along with a goal, you need a specific set of steps that you will take to make it likely that you will, indeed, realize that goal.

When starting a new year, I think it can often be helpful to think in terms of areas where we want to place out attention, rather than make hard and fast resolution.  What do you need to be paying more attention to?  How is the health of your relationship?  Does it suffer from lack of attention?  Are there things you could focus on to change that in 2014?

Whether it's your relationship or kids, health, job, friends, etc., going into the New Year with a commitment to pay more attention to the people and things that are most important to you might be a healthier approach. 

What do you want to pay more attention to in the New Year?  Share your thoughts with us, and have a wonderful, happy, healthy 2014.

Holidays! Part 2

Let's talk about money and the holidays today.  What are your family values about this?  Some people think they should go all out, run up the credit cards, and spend the next year paying them off.  Others have a set holiday budget and stick to it.  Problems can arise when you and your partner have different ideas about how much is too much.

Personally, I'm pretty frugal.  I've also lived long enough to learn that while a few thoughtful gifts are nice, loads and loads of "stuff" really is not what makes a holiday special.  How many gifts that you received last holiday season do you really still enjoy?  or even remember?  How about from five years ago?

And if you're buying for your kids, let me ask, "How many specific holiday gifts do you remember from your childhood?"  I'm guessing that you can maybe list two or three that stand out over your entire childhood - and they probably weren't the most expensive.  So, do you really want to break the bank for memories that probably won't really be remembered?

I'm not a scrooge.  I enjoy giving and receiving gifts - but I enjoy both ends of that equation more when they are few and thoughtful.  Two years ago, my favorite gift was a table item that probably cost no more than $10.  But it was something my friend knew I would really enjoy and use often.  I do.  And every time I do, I think of him.  He passed away less than two months after giving me that gift.

Quality time with family and friends is more important to me that the craziness of negotiating crowds at the mall.  How about you?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

Is Divorce Right For You?

Therapist and author, Margaret Paul, Ph.D., has an excellent blog called "Inner Bonding."  Today's post is on how to make a decision about whether or not divorce is right for you.  It's well worth reading, if that's a question you've asked yourself:  http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3041/is-divorce-the-answer-for-you.html.

Divorce and the Holidays

We have a guest post today from my good friend, and matrimonial attorney, Amy DeShong. Navigating the holidays when you're divorced can be especially difficult. Amy offers some good tips:

How to Survive the Holidays

If you are going through a divorce, the holiday season can be a special nightmare.

The expectations of your family of origin and/or those of your in-laws are added to the demands placed upon you by your spouse, your kids, and your work place. If you are not employed, you may feel inadequate and horrible because you cannot provide the kind of gifts for your family that you may have given in the past. False expressions of “good cheer” are everywhere. You may feel guilty if you are the one who wants the divorce and your spouse may be all too good at pushing those buttons.

Here are some tips for getting through it all:

1. Place yourself in your children’s shoes. Really. When you are tempted to argue with your spouse, respond to an attack launched by your spouse, or even launch one of your own, stop, breathe, and think. Where are your kids at that very moment?

Are they in the next room? Are they in the back seat? Are they upstairs in your house? If so, they are within earshot. They are probably even straining to listen. Don’t kid yourself.

You cannot control your spouse any more than you can control the north wind. You can control your response to your spouse’s behavior. End any chance of things escalating into an argument. Acknowledge whatever legitimate point is in your spouse’s message and do your best to respond only to that. If you are wrong, say so and apologize. Offer to think about what he or she is telling you and tell him or her that you will respond at a later date. If you can, paraphrase the content of your spouse’s message, so that he or she sees that you have indeed heard it.

Example 1: “Jen, I understand that you are mad because I got here 30 minutes late and that is making you late for your doctor’s appointment. I got stuck at the office and I am sorry. I will make sure it does not happen again. If something happens that I cannot control, I will call you right away.”

Example 2: “I understand that you are very angry with me, but I do not think we can have a good conversation about it right now. Let’s see when we can talk about (lateness, money, whatever the problem is) when we are alone and we are better able to do it without yelling at each other.”

Example 3: “I hear you. This is something that our attorneys will have to discuss and advise about because I do not know what the answer is. I will call mine first thing in the morning and ask for his/her guidance.”

Example 4: “I hear you and I want to understand why you are so upset. As long as you are screaming at me, however, I just can’t do that.”

If none of this is possible, leave the room. Leave the house if you have to. Drive away. Whatever it takes to break the circuit. Try to envision your spouse as a co-worker. You wouldn’t launch into an intensely personal argument in the work place, even if you were unfairly attacked, would you?

2. If you normally use alcohol to get you through difficult family events, do not do it this year. Remain focused and alert. You want to be in full control of your ears and your mouth so that you can respond appropriately to any provocations. After having a few beers or too many glasses of nice wine, you will find it harder to keep your mouth shut.

3. If your spouse backs out of or tries to change a holiday custody agreement, is late for a pick up or drop off, or holds your kids hostage for an hour or two, go back to Tip #1. Give way.

This is hard. It’s really hard. Be that parent who takes the high road. Your kids don’t care who “wins” – they just know that if mom and dad spend the next 15 minutes fighting over pick up, drop off, or who does the driving, they’ll be late for or even miss their holiday concert. Unless your spouse’s conduct threatens an overnight or the holiday itself, it is rarely in your economic best interests to get your attorney involved.

4. Remember that your new relationship takes a back seat to the (reasonable) needs of your kids. If your significant other starts placing demands on you that are out of the blue and feel unfair and unreasonable, he or she is probably feeling insecure about his or her place in your heart. The holidays heighten our sensitivities to that stuff. Stop, hug, and talk. Your significant other may be worried about his or her role in your life – give him or her permission to directly tell you about those feelings, rather than acting out, so that you may respond appropriately.

5. Do the same with your kids. If it feels like they are making crazy demands, being especially needy, or seeking to manipulate you, ask them about their feelings and try to do so directly. Are they feeling threatened by your girlfriend? Are they terrified that if they show any kindness toward her, their mom will punish them? Are they worried that they are losing you?

6. Be patient with yourself. You are not perfect. Perfect people are very dull. All that stuff that always drives you nuts during the holidays is still out there, in addition to your divorce. If you continue to circle back to Tip #1, you will find yourself starting the New Year without regrets.

And I just told you not to drink!

Submitted by

Amy P. De Shong, Esquire
Fellow, American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers
Wisler Pearlstine, LLP
460 Norristown Road, Suite 110
Blue Bell, PA 19422-2326
Phone: (610) 825-8400
Fax: (610) 828-4887
adeshong@wispearl.com
(Copyright 12/21/11)

How Do You Juggle Family Time Over the Holidays?

If you are like most families, there are more people to visit over the holidays, than there are days to do it! His family. Her family. Extended families. And of course, if you're already a blended family with step-children, things get even more complicated!

The holidays are stressful to begin with. We tend to eat too much, spend to much, sleep too little, and so forth. Add all of the family obligations into the mix and it's enough to make you want to hibernate until Ground Hog's Day!

How do YOU juggle all the family obligations and maintain some sense of sanity? I'd love to hear your ideas.

Stress and the Holidays

Do you find that during this time of year, you and your spouse or significant other are especially testy? Maybe it's the kids wanting everything they see on TV, or whatever they think their friends are getting. Maybe you've already blown the budget. Maybe decorating and shopping and holiday parties have you sleep deprived and cranky. Maybe you're expecting visits from inlaws, or traveling during this busy period. No doubt about it, from Thanksgiving until the New Year is the most hectic, stressful time for most of us.

So how should you handle it? First of all, remember, "under stress, we regress." So do your spouse and kids. Cut them some slack. And for yourself - remember that it's not about perfection. The holidays will be lovely, even if there isn't as big a budget as you would like, and even if you gain a pound or two. Relax. Make it a point to get the sleep you need and also exercise - even if it means saying "no" to baking a couple more batches of cookies or to one more shopping trip.

Take five minutes once or twice a day to just do some deep breathing and center yourself. Relax by soaking in a hot tub. When you are rested and relaxed, you will accomplish more in less time - so you're really not losing any time. And encourage your family members to do the same. If the holidays are making them manic, remind them to stop, take a deep breath, relax.

Most of all - maintain perspective. It's not so much about gifts and decorations and food. It's about enjoying reaching out to family and friends we often don't see throughout the year. It's about peace, joy, love, hope for a bright and healthy new year. Remembering what's most important will help you manage the holiday chaos.

A Thanksgiving Message

Happy Thanksgiving, Everyone!

On this day, we take time to focus on the things for which we're grateful. besides all the material blessings you may have, be sure to think about the blessings in your relationships. Family, spouse, best friend - what are the things about that person that you especially treasure? Have you told them lately?

Unfortunately, all too often, we neglect to tell those people closest to us how much they matter in our lives. What are the little, or not so little things, they do that you most appreciate?

Feeling unappreciated is one of the biggest complaints I hear when I'm working with couples. Make sure, during this season of giving thanks, that you express your gratitude to the people you most cherish.

The Culture of Marriage Around The World

Today we have a guest blog from Neeraj Sachdeva, a PhD candidate who writes about freelancing and self-improvement, often together. You can read about his take on the Essence of Friendship . He also invites you to complete a free test to find your current motivation levels.

Marriage, as a sacred institution, marks an important point in everyone’s life; and one day, it will be just as important in mine. Most of the 25 long and interesting years that I have spent until now have been based on these ideals, and marriage…nay….a successful marriage is something that I look forward to. As we grow and come into our own, we realize that there are some harsh truths to life – nothing is permanent, compatibility is the foundation of relationships, love will only take you so far and more…

So far I have led an interesting life, spending considerable amount of time outside my home country. This post is part confession, part obligation and in some part, information on what marriage, to me, has come to mean.
My folks still claim that marriage is a sacred institution and it marks an important point in one’s life. I still agree with them. Growing up in India was fascinating, to say the least. Spending countless evenings at weddings and being told that someday it will be my turn seems like a memory in continuous loop, one that will always remain.

Indian weddings are notoriously big and pompous in exhibition, leading me to believe that marriage is not really an institution, as my parents made it out to be. Yet, it is. Irrespective of how big the celebrations get, the bride and groom - by the end - are left to their own devices. Tradition still dictates – and people follow – that the newlywed couple must live with the groom’s parents. This is the protective nature of Indian families, and a testament to how difficult marriage and adjustment for women can be, after the day that marks a new chapter in their lives. Indian culture demands respect and obligatory following of whatever is ordered. I was born into this culture, but I seem to have grown out of it. Or so I thought.

Most of my formative years were spent in England, living out of two suitcases, moving from one apartment to another. We as humans value independence, and rightly rejoice it. Yet, I was surprised when married people around me demanded independence and ‘some time alone’ from their spouse. Countless movies had prepared me for the life ahead in England, and I realized that even though marriage was still looked upon, it was by no means a necessity or a norm. On my part, my parents call it corruption of thoughts, but I call it growing up.

Married life in England was not much different from that in India. Well, maybe, a little lonelier. Less people and nuclear families meant that there was little interaction between different married couples. Moreover, many independent and ‘lost’ parts of those couple often found themselves in bed with an independent and ‘lost’ part of another couple. This was heartbreaking, and truly demystified marriage as an institution. The worst was still to come.

The idea of ‘snow-day’ in England was very exciting. Finland has over 100 snow-days; only, they don’t call them snow-day. They call them winter; just regular, plain old winter. So by the age of 24, following in the footsteps of the girl I loved – Finnish – I moved to Finland. There I learnt something new about marriage, something that would shake my foundations and make me question the age-old wisdom my parents so hopefully imparted.

Finland, just like Sweden, has a high divorce rate of 51%. Just a number, right? But imagine this, 51% of the couples, divorce. That is, one in every 2 marriages falls apart, completely. Yet, I learnt that such a high divorce rate did not represent great sadness and frustration in the people of this cold Nordic country – as I thought I would discover. Instead, people were happy and independent, enjoying the finer aspects of their single, and to my discovery, lonely life.

So is divorce really such a bad thing? It would seem not. But rest assured, I don’t intend to think about getting a divorce, even before I get married.
So in this mish-mash of cultures, where do I now stand? I currently straddle the borders of India, England and Finland, emotionally and mentally. When it comes to marriage, I still consider it to be a sacred institution and only wish to marry once, and follow my elders. But there is an addendum – if things were to break down, I would keep my head held high and my integrity intact. Does that make me less scared? Hell no!

The differences in culture that I have encountered have opened my eyes, and italicized everything that is beautiful about how similar yet different we all are. Marrying into another culture is such an interesting yet difficult proposition. It comes with its own issues and its own problems. Getting to know someone and then getting to know their culture requires time and effort on anyone’s part, and there is no guarantee for success. But if you try, you can be better prepared, can learn to enjoy the differences and savor the similarities that make marriage a beautiful institution.

What About Money?

Many studies have shown that money is the single biggest issue over which couples disagree. How money is to be handled is often not discussed before marraige, and it needs to be. The rule of not talking about money or politics may be appropriate at a party, but not if you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone!

Money represents different things to different people. For some, money is power. S/he who makes the most gets to decide how it's spent. For others, it is status, and for still others, security. Are you a spender or a saver? Do you have an investment and/or retirement plan? Are you saving for something big like a house or college education? How do you feel about debt? Are you living within your means? Do you hoard money?

Fist, you need to know your own feelings and attitudes about money, and then, your partner's. These are important and necessary discussions to have. I'd love to hear from some of you - how have you handled money in your marriages? What has worked for you and what hasn't worked?

Things to Discuss Before Getting Married

Today we have a guest blogger, Rohitesh Naik. Although I don't believe he's read the book, it's amazing how his article essentially sumarizes it!

Gеttіng mаrried iѕ vеry еxсitіng! Fіrѕt thе рroрosаl, then thе rіng, аnd оf cоurse thе bіg daу!

But getting mаrrіеd іsn't onlу abоut thе wеddіng-the qualіtу оf the marriage thаt fоllоwѕ іѕ whаt rеаlly сountѕ. So hоw dо уоu makе sure уou ѕtаrt on thе rіght рath? Rеаd оn for thе 10 mоst іmрortant thіngѕ уоu shоuld disсuѕѕ bеfоrе marriagе.

1. Decіsіon Mаking

Sincе marrіаgе іs аll abоut соmрrоmіsе, thе аrt оf nеgоtіаtіon іs an imроrtant ѕkill. Make ѕure уоu and yоur pаrtnеr agreе аbоut hоw the relatіоnship ѕhould wоrk. Shаrіng deсіsіоnѕ аnd deсіding tоgethеr whо should dесіdе whаt rеquirеѕ lіѕtening, nеgotіаting, аnd рrоblеm-solvіng ѕkills. You don't nееd tо bе pеrfeсt аt іt, but yоu both neеd to undеrѕtand what уou're working to.

2. Chorеѕ аnd Tаѕks

Arе уоu taking сarе оf lаundrу аnd сleanіng whіle уоu mаn doеs уаrd аnd hоuѕеwork? You ѕhоuld never аѕsume theѕе tаskѕ wіll be divviеd uр-talk аbout thеm. Relаtіоnѕhіp rоlеs hаve bеen chаnging fоr уearѕ and dіffеr frоm fаmіly tо fаmіly. Talking abоut thеsе tаskѕ bеforе mаrrіagе gives yоu a foundatіоn tо build later disсuѕѕіonѕ if and whеn you fіnd уоu аrеn't hарру wіth thе ѕіtuаtіоn.

3. Chіldren

Dо you bоth wаnt сhildren? Hоw mаnу? And іf уоu dо hаvе сhіldrеn, how dо уou рlаn tо raise thеm? Fоr ѕomе people havіng chіldrеn sееms lіkе an obvіоuѕ pаrt оf marrіage-but not еverуone. Diѕсusѕіng hоw manу сhildrеn you wаnt bеfоre mаrrіаgе cаn ѕаvе уou thе trоuble of finding оut yоur partnеr nеver wаntѕ kіdѕ after marrіаge.

4. Rеligіоn and Vаluеѕ

You'rе probablу аlrеаdy mаrrуing someоnе whо ѕhares the sаmе vаlues аѕ уоu. But religіon and vаluеѕ аre importаnt to diѕcuѕѕ bеcauѕe реоple uѕuаllу tаkе theѕе thіngѕ much more ѕeriоuslу aftеr marriagе, and еѕресiаllу ѕеrіоuѕ аftеr having сhildrеn.

5. Connесtion tо Famіly

Will yоu sреnd Chriѕtmаs Eve wіth hіs fаmіly, аnd Chrіstmаs day wіth yours? Thеѕе detailѕ mаy nоt seеm tоo imрortаnt nоw, but theу саn bеcome a mаjor sоurсe оf соnflict wіth famіlіeѕ іf everyоnе fееlѕ thеу'rе nоt getting enough оf уour time. Familу devotion cаn cauѕе futurе conflict if уоu hаvеn't aссeрted оnе аnоthеrѕ imрortаnсe оf family.

6. Cаreers

Cаreеr pathѕ usuаllу changе оver tіmе, ѕо yоu need tо know that your раrtnеr wіll be suрроrtіve аnd rеsрeсtful оf уоur dесіsіоns wіth уоur сarееr, аnd that yоu wіll be thе ѕаmе with thеіrѕ.

7. Sex

You ѕhоuld bе аblе to оpеnly and frееlу dіsсuѕs sеx wіth yоur pаrtnеr. Alwаys be ореn аnd honеѕt аnd willing to cоmmuniсаte abоut іt. Mаkе ѕurе thаt you cаn both talk аbоut sex сomfоrtаblу becаuse ѕеx thаt's nevеr dіѕсuѕѕеd саn beсomе unѕаtiѕfуіng to оnе оr bоth оf уоu.

8. Monеy

Arе you а sаvеr whіlе yоur pаrtnеr іs а ѕрender? Mоneу trоubleѕ arе the lеаding cauѕe оf rеlаtіоnѕhір рrоblems, and it'ѕ impоrtаnt tо dіѕсuss thеm befоrе they gеt out оf contrоl. Agrее on budgetѕ and mоnеy sреndіng habitѕ thаt fit bоth оf yоur neеdѕ.

9. Tіmе Togеther

Do уоu рlаn on ѕрendіng еvеrу Sunday wіth yоur pаrtnеr watching mоviеѕ? Yоur раrtner mау havе ѕomethіng elѕe раned fоr theіr Sundaуѕ. Dіѕcuss thеѕе thingѕ and dоn't аѕѕumе whаt your раrtnеr wоuld lіkе to do-it cаn lеad tо unnеcеѕѕarу diѕарpоintmеnt.

10. Drugs, Alcоhol, Gаmblіng

By thе time уou dеcidе tо get marrіed to yоur partnеr, уоu'rе рrobаblу аlrеаdy wеll awаrе оf аnу аddiсtіоns they maу have. If somethіng іs serіouѕ enоugh to rеquіrе help, dіscuѕs how уou'll handlе іt tоgеther. Dеcide іf оnе of bоth оf уou ѕhould ѕeek сounѕeling and be surе уоu аgree аnd deаl wіth іt togethеr..


About the Author : Rohitesh Naik, a Freelance writer and a Internet Marketer who presently writes about the Upcoming Verizon Phones. It includes all the the news and updates about New Verizon Phones.

Grieving the Losses That Come With Divorce

The following is an article I wrote for the website: www.simpledivorceadvice.com.

No matter how easy or difficult, friendly or acrimonious your divorce, there will always be a certain amount of grief to be experienced. Just like with the death of a loved one, the death of a marriage is accompanied by sadness, anger, guilt, and, eventually, acceptance. Even if you are the one who wanted the divorce, you will experience grief.

Children rarely escape unscathed in a divorce. It hurts them, even if ultimately, the divorce is better for them than seeing and hearing their parents constantly fighting. Their lives change. They may lose a certain sense of security. They may be going back and forth between two homes – at least one of which is new, and therefore strange, to them.

On some level, children will miss a nuclear home and the absent parent, even if, on the surface, they have sided with one over the other, or if they appear to be unphased by the changes. Sometimes a divorce requires a move, and maybe a new neighborhood or new school. Maybe a once stay at home Mom will have to go back to work. Life will be different for them in many ways, and change is always at least a little frightening.

Everyone in the family suffers financially from a divorce. The bottom line is that it takes more money to support two households than it does one. That means sacrifices are made on everyone’s part. Sometimes it means downsizing a house, or having no money for any discretionary spending. I’ve seen so many people struggle financially as a result of divorce, and while they may not regret the divorce, they often underestimate the financial struggle it is.

If one person wanted the divorce and the other didn’t, the person who is left often feels alone. They miss the presence of a partner in the house and they feel lonely. Sometimes they also feel unprepared to handle the things their spouse used to take care of, whether that’s balancing the checkbook, doing yard work, or laundry, cooking, or helping the kids with homework. And of course, the person you once loved very much, is no longer in your life in the same way, and that is a huge loss.

Socially, divorce brings about many challenging changes, and usually a lot of loss. Couples who were friends with you and your spouse will often struggle with mixed loyalties. Rather than chose one over the other, they will often pull back all together. You will likely not be invited to things that are more couples’ oriented. Most likely, you will need to develop a new social life as a single person and that can be difficult and scary. Divorce support groups can be a wonderful place to start.

Maybe the greatest loss is the loss of the hopes and dreams that you invested in your marriage. There was a time when you were very much in love and you had visions of what your life would be like together. You made a lot of plans and spent time and energy in the expectation that you would together create whatever your personal version of that white picket fence was. And then, it either didn’t happen, or it all came tumbling down.

But the good news is that we human beings are a resilient bunch. You will go through the grieving process and eventually get to that point of acceptance, and you will have learned a tremendous amount about yourself in the process. Life will be different, but different is neither good nor bad, it’s just different. And about those hopes and dreams – they don’t have to die. You’re older and more experienced and probably have some other ideas now about what you’d like, but by all means, hold onto those hopes and dreams. With all you’ve learned and experienced, you’ll have a clearer path for getting there, even if the picket fence is green next time!