Moving In Together: Is Your Relationship Ready for the Next Level?

Guest blogger, Brooke Chaplan, offers some thoughts today about the decision to live together:

 

You and your partner are totally smitten with one another, and it's come time to talk about the idea of living together. They say you don't really know someone until you've lived with them, and to a degree, this is true. If you think you want to take the leap and share living space, here are a few ways you can tell if you and your relationship are ready.

 You're Practically Already Living Together

If you're spending so much time with each other, you're practically living together, then the next step will come easily. At this point, you've both already seen what the other lives like . Once you're already aware that he doesn't rinse the sink after he shaves, or that she leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor, you won't be so surprised by the other quirks you'll learn.

 You've Always Worked It Out

Paradoxically, fighting is actually an important part of a relationship. Every couple has disagreements, sometimes ugly ones, but the end results are a good indicator of your relationship's strength. If you both take steps to resolve your conflicts in a mutually satisfying way, it's much easier to maintain peace while living together. It's also important to offer reassurance after arguments. Just because you fight with someone doesn't mean you don't still love them, but it's nice to be reminded.

 Giving Up Some Independence

No relationship comes without compromise, but a slight loss of independence is what can get to some people the most. By no means should you let your partner control everything you do, but it's normal, and important, to give up a little of that freedom you knew when you were single. For a relationship to be successful, each person has to consider the feelings of the other, otherwise there will be conflict.

Lifestyle Compatibility

It's essential to take your individual lifestyles into account. If they aren't at least reasonably similar, living together is going to be rough. Differences in work and school schedules, religions, values and even aesthetic tastes can cause problems if they run afoul of your partner's habits and tastes. Fortunately, some of these are easier to remedy. If you're both collectors but have wildly differing collections, you might end up vying for space. In this case, a good compromise would be for each of you to put some of your collectibles in a storage center so there's plenty of space.

 

Making the choice to move in together is a big step that shouldn't be taken lightly for any couple. Besides all of the work that goes into it, you also become more emotionally invested in the relationship. Before taking the plunge, be sure you're both ready for it.

Holidays! Part 2

Let's talk about money and the holidays today.  What are your family values about this?  Some people think they should go all out, run up the credit cards, and spend the next year paying them off.  Others have a set holiday budget and stick to it.  Problems can arise when you and your partner have different ideas about how much is too much.

Personally, I'm pretty frugal.  I've also lived long enough to learn that while a few thoughtful gifts are nice, loads and loads of "stuff" really is not what makes a holiday special.  How many gifts that you received last holiday season do you really still enjoy?  or even remember?  How about from five years ago?

And if you're buying for your kids, let me ask, "How many specific holiday gifts do you remember from your childhood?"  I'm guessing that you can maybe list two or three that stand out over your entire childhood - and they probably weren't the most expensive.  So, do you really want to break the bank for memories that probably won't really be remembered?

I'm not a scrooge.  I enjoy giving and receiving gifts - but I enjoy both ends of that equation more when they are few and thoughtful.  Two years ago, my favorite gift was a table item that probably cost no more than $10.  But it was something my friend knew I would really enjoy and use often.  I do.  And every time I do, I think of him.  He passed away less than two months after giving me that gift.

Quality time with family and friends is more important to me that the craziness of negotiating crowds at the mall.  How about you?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

The Culture of Marriage Around The World

Today we have a guest blog from Neeraj Sachdeva, a PhD candidate who writes about freelancing and self-improvement, often together. You can read about his take on the Essence of Friendship . He also invites you to complete a free test to find your current motivation levels.

Marriage, as a sacred institution, marks an important point in everyone’s life; and one day, it will be just as important in mine. Most of the 25 long and interesting years that I have spent until now have been based on these ideals, and marriage…nay….a successful marriage is something that I look forward to. As we grow and come into our own, we realize that there are some harsh truths to life – nothing is permanent, compatibility is the foundation of relationships, love will only take you so far and more…

So far I have led an interesting life, spending considerable amount of time outside my home country. This post is part confession, part obligation and in some part, information on what marriage, to me, has come to mean.
My folks still claim that marriage is a sacred institution and it marks an important point in one’s life. I still agree with them. Growing up in India was fascinating, to say the least. Spending countless evenings at weddings and being told that someday it will be my turn seems like a memory in continuous loop, one that will always remain.

Indian weddings are notoriously big and pompous in exhibition, leading me to believe that marriage is not really an institution, as my parents made it out to be. Yet, it is. Irrespective of how big the celebrations get, the bride and groom - by the end - are left to their own devices. Tradition still dictates – and people follow – that the newlywed couple must live with the groom’s parents. This is the protective nature of Indian families, and a testament to how difficult marriage and adjustment for women can be, after the day that marks a new chapter in their lives. Indian culture demands respect and obligatory following of whatever is ordered. I was born into this culture, but I seem to have grown out of it. Or so I thought.

Most of my formative years were spent in England, living out of two suitcases, moving from one apartment to another. We as humans value independence, and rightly rejoice it. Yet, I was surprised when married people around me demanded independence and ‘some time alone’ from their spouse. Countless movies had prepared me for the life ahead in England, and I realized that even though marriage was still looked upon, it was by no means a necessity or a norm. On my part, my parents call it corruption of thoughts, but I call it growing up.

Married life in England was not much different from that in India. Well, maybe, a little lonelier. Less people and nuclear families meant that there was little interaction between different married couples. Moreover, many independent and ‘lost’ parts of those couple often found themselves in bed with an independent and ‘lost’ part of another couple. This was heartbreaking, and truly demystified marriage as an institution. The worst was still to come.

The idea of ‘snow-day’ in England was very exciting. Finland has over 100 snow-days; only, they don’t call them snow-day. They call them winter; just regular, plain old winter. So by the age of 24, following in the footsteps of the girl I loved – Finnish – I moved to Finland. There I learnt something new about marriage, something that would shake my foundations and make me question the age-old wisdom my parents so hopefully imparted.

Finland, just like Sweden, has a high divorce rate of 51%. Just a number, right? But imagine this, 51% of the couples, divorce. That is, one in every 2 marriages falls apart, completely. Yet, I learnt that such a high divorce rate did not represent great sadness and frustration in the people of this cold Nordic country – as I thought I would discover. Instead, people were happy and independent, enjoying the finer aspects of their single, and to my discovery, lonely life.

So is divorce really such a bad thing? It would seem not. But rest assured, I don’t intend to think about getting a divorce, even before I get married.
So in this mish-mash of cultures, where do I now stand? I currently straddle the borders of India, England and Finland, emotionally and mentally. When it comes to marriage, I still consider it to be a sacred institution and only wish to marry once, and follow my elders. But there is an addendum – if things were to break down, I would keep my head held high and my integrity intact. Does that make me less scared? Hell no!

The differences in culture that I have encountered have opened my eyes, and italicized everything that is beautiful about how similar yet different we all are. Marrying into another culture is such an interesting yet difficult proposition. It comes with its own issues and its own problems. Getting to know someone and then getting to know their culture requires time and effort on anyone’s part, and there is no guarantee for success. But if you try, you can be better prepared, can learn to enjoy the differences and savor the similarities that make marriage a beautiful institution.