Moving In Together: Is Your Relationship Ready for the Next Level?

Guest blogger, Brooke Chaplan, offers some thoughts today about the decision to live together:

 

You and your partner are totally smitten with one another, and it's come time to talk about the idea of living together. They say you don't really know someone until you've lived with them, and to a degree, this is true. If you think you want to take the leap and share living space, here are a few ways you can tell if you and your relationship are ready.

 You're Practically Already Living Together

If you're spending so much time with each other, you're practically living together, then the next step will come easily. At this point, you've both already seen what the other lives like . Once you're already aware that he doesn't rinse the sink after he shaves, or that she leaves her shoes in the middle of the floor, you won't be so surprised by the other quirks you'll learn.

 You've Always Worked It Out

Paradoxically, fighting is actually an important part of a relationship. Every couple has disagreements, sometimes ugly ones, but the end results are a good indicator of your relationship's strength. If you both take steps to resolve your conflicts in a mutually satisfying way, it's much easier to maintain peace while living together. It's also important to offer reassurance after arguments. Just because you fight with someone doesn't mean you don't still love them, but it's nice to be reminded.

 Giving Up Some Independence

No relationship comes without compromise, but a slight loss of independence is what can get to some people the most. By no means should you let your partner control everything you do, but it's normal, and important, to give up a little of that freedom you knew when you were single. For a relationship to be successful, each person has to consider the feelings of the other, otherwise there will be conflict.

Lifestyle Compatibility

It's essential to take your individual lifestyles into account. If they aren't at least reasonably similar, living together is going to be rough. Differences in work and school schedules, religions, values and even aesthetic tastes can cause problems if they run afoul of your partner's habits and tastes. Fortunately, some of these are easier to remedy. If you're both collectors but have wildly differing collections, you might end up vying for space. In this case, a good compromise would be for each of you to put some of your collectibles in a storage center so there's plenty of space.

 

Making the choice to move in together is a big step that shouldn't be taken lightly for any couple. Besides all of the work that goes into it, you also become more emotionally invested in the relationship. Before taking the plunge, be sure you're both ready for it.

Compromise

We've all heard about how important it is to be able to compromise in relationships.  I agree, and I work with lots of couples on how to do just that.  But when does compromise become too much?  In other words, at what point is there so much compromise that your needs are being met?

I think all of us have both "needs" and "wants" in relationships.  It's really important to distinguish between the two.  "Needs" are qualities that you absolutely MUST have in your relationship in order to be happy.  For some people, this requires a partner who wants children (or who does not).  For others, it's sharing similar religious beliefs.  For me, if you don't like my dogs - well, that's a deal-breaker!  These are NEEDS, and they leave little room for compromise.

Then, we have lots of "wants."  Tall, dark, and handsome would be nice - but not necessary.  Maybe it would be great if you share the same taste in music or movies or food - but it's not a requirement.

With "wants," there's lots of space for give and take.  But if a relationship doesn't satisfy your "needs," then that's a serious problem.  Have you identified the distinction between needs and wants for yourself and  your relationship?  It's a crucial thing to know before making a commitment.

How Much Space do You Need in Your Relationship?

I have a divorced friend who was married for 20 years, and her divorce has been very amicable.  She and her ex are still friends.  She often says that the reason the marriage lasted so long is that her husband traveled all the time.  In other words, she likes being alone.  She is in a job where she interacts with people intensely all day long, and relishes the quiet of her "off" hours.  She doesn't want to have to think about what to cook for dinner.  She doesn't want to have to take another person into consideration when making plans.  She's just fine on her own, thank you very much!

While this degree of "space" might seem extreme, each of us has our own requirements that must be taken into consideration in a relationship.  I recently worked with a couple where one person's need for space was much greater than the other's.  They are struggling to negotiate how to create enough togetherness to satisfy one, without the other feeling smothered. 

This is a common issue that usually first comes up during the dating period, but is often not addressed until after marriage.  Big mistake!  Talk about these things before marriage.  It will help you learn how to negotiate and compromise, and you won't be going into the commitment with false expectations.