Four Little Words that Could Get Your Marriage Back on Track

We have another guest blogger today. Dana Flannery is a marriage celebrant and Website Marketing Consultant. www.talkaboutcreative.com.au. She has written dozens of articles for brides and same sex couples preparing for a life time together. Here's what she has to say:

Sometimes the biggest change can be the simplest and there are four simple little words that could help you make the change that saves your marriage. No, not, “I love you, but” or “yes dear, I will”, not even “You’re right, I’m sorry”…. Conflict resolution is not about giving in to what the other person demands or just avoiding fights, it’s about expressing how you feel and giving your partner clear instructions on what you need – “I feel, I need” the four little words that could save your marriage!

The Argument Circle

Are you a grudge holder? Nit picker? Nagger? Closed book? Our own behaviors are hard for us to recognize and even harder for our partners to ignore. This can establish a damaging and unrelenting cycle where a single argument is never really concluded, allowing it to be built upon with every additional incident until a marriage turns sour.


Identifying the problem

If simply identifying the exact problem in your marriage was that easy, nobody would ever get divorced. They say there are three sides to every story, his, hers and the truth and nobody can see all three.

Instead of taking on such an overwhelming task, take the smaller step of identifying which feelings are lighting the fire in an argument. For example, your partner is late for dinner, you worked hard but it’s gone cold and it’s not the first time. Your reaction may be anger even though what you are feeling is frustration or hurt. Identifying the feeling isn’t as easy as you might think. Throughout our lives, we develop emotional protection mechanisms and in “fight or flight” situations, we race to our protected state, be it anger, depression, rage, hurt or even denial. The first step is to rule out your default protective state and get to the core of what you are feeling.

Angrily shouting at your partner for being late is different to telling them “I feel unappreciated” which is the actual, real problem.

Remember though, you must always express it as “I feel (emotion)” never “I feel like you are always…….” This is about how you feel, not about their behaviour.

Tell Them How To Fix It

Just about every marriage suffers communication problems to some degree. If you feel you’ve been telling your partner the same thing over and over again (they’ll call it nagging) it may be that they are not sure how to resolve the issue. A clear statement of what you need done will rule out any communication problems.

So, instead of ranting about being late, give your partner a clear, easy to follow instruction for correcting the situation:

“I need you to call if you are going to be late”

Put it into Practice

Your partner now understands how you are feeling and they have a clear instruction on how to correct their behavior. If need be, ask them to repeat it back to you to be sure that there are no communication issues. Your partner may respond with their own feelings and needs “I feel pressured. I need you to understand how busy my job can be”

Once you’ve identified a way to resolve the problem together, work at putting the new conditions into place. When your partner calls to tell you they’re delayed, make sure you show that you appreciate the call and that you understand that they have a high pressure job.

To Forgive or Not to Forgive….

If your partner is unwilling to respond to your emotional needs (not forgetful but unwilling) you may need to consider therapy or even more dramatic measures. While many marriages can be saved, some are better broken, especially when one partner exhibits grossly inappropriate behavior such as violence or control.

But if you see that your partner is actively trying to respond to your emotional needs and working on communication problems, then maybe your problems can be resolved and maybe you’ll find your happy ever after…after all.