Grieving the Losses That Come With Divorce

The following is an article I wrote for the website: www.simpledivorceadvice.com.

No matter how easy or difficult, friendly or acrimonious your divorce, there will always be a certain amount of grief to be experienced. Just like with the death of a loved one, the death of a marriage is accompanied by sadness, anger, guilt, and, eventually, acceptance. Even if you are the one who wanted the divorce, you will experience grief.

Children rarely escape unscathed in a divorce. It hurts them, even if ultimately, the divorce is better for them than seeing and hearing their parents constantly fighting. Their lives change. They may lose a certain sense of security. They may be going back and forth between two homes – at least one of which is new, and therefore strange, to them.

On some level, children will miss a nuclear home and the absent parent, even if, on the surface, they have sided with one over the other, or if they appear to be unphased by the changes. Sometimes a divorce requires a move, and maybe a new neighborhood or new school. Maybe a once stay at home Mom will have to go back to work. Life will be different for them in many ways, and change is always at least a little frightening.

Everyone in the family suffers financially from a divorce. The bottom line is that it takes more money to support two households than it does one. That means sacrifices are made on everyone’s part. Sometimes it means downsizing a house, or having no money for any discretionary spending. I’ve seen so many people struggle financially as a result of divorce, and while they may not regret the divorce, they often underestimate the financial struggle it is.

If one person wanted the divorce and the other didn’t, the person who is left often feels alone. They miss the presence of a partner in the house and they feel lonely. Sometimes they also feel unprepared to handle the things their spouse used to take care of, whether that’s balancing the checkbook, doing yard work, or laundry, cooking, or helping the kids with homework. And of course, the person you once loved very much, is no longer in your life in the same way, and that is a huge loss.

Socially, divorce brings about many challenging changes, and usually a lot of loss. Couples who were friends with you and your spouse will often struggle with mixed loyalties. Rather than chose one over the other, they will often pull back all together. You will likely not be invited to things that are more couples’ oriented. Most likely, you will need to develop a new social life as a single person and that can be difficult and scary. Divorce support groups can be a wonderful place to start.

Maybe the greatest loss is the loss of the hopes and dreams that you invested in your marriage. There was a time when you were very much in love and you had visions of what your life would be like together. You made a lot of plans and spent time and energy in the expectation that you would together create whatever your personal version of that white picket fence was. And then, it either didn’t happen, or it all came tumbling down.

But the good news is that we human beings are a resilient bunch. You will go through the grieving process and eventually get to that point of acceptance, and you will have learned a tremendous amount about yourself in the process. Life will be different, but different is neither good nor bad, it’s just different. And about those hopes and dreams – they don’t have to die. You’re older and more experienced and probably have some other ideas now about what you’d like, but by all means, hold onto those hopes and dreams. With all you’ve learned and experienced, you’ll have a clearer path for getting there, even if the picket fence is green next time!