Making a Marriage Last

Guest blogger, Brooke Chaplan, has some thoughts today on making a marriage last.  After you've read her blog, I'd love your thoughts - what would you add to Brook's list?

 

Make a Lasting Marriage: Tips to Preserve Your Relationship

With so many divorces happening each and every day, it is no wonder that married people worry about how they can make their relationships last. There are no secret ingredients to a long-lasting marriage. It takes love, respect, and work from both partners. Yet, there are a few tips that can help you preserve your relationship, and maintain a long, healthy marriage.

 Keep Communication Open

Open communication means more than just talking to your partner each day. You have to be honest in that communication, and make sure your wants and needs are clear. Real communication cannot take place in a few minutes on the phone, while feeding the kids dinner, or through text messages. If you don't like talking to your partner, or don't feel that it is important enough to demand your time, then there is an issue that needs to be explored and resolved.

 

Share Time

Life can be busy, especially if you have kids. Therefore, it is vital that married couples take time for themselves, and enjoy spending time together. Spending time together can help couples reconnect, and remember that connection that brought them together in the first place. It is important for couples to share time together doing activities they both enjoy. Find time for you and your spouse to connect one on one, whether it's a long shopping trip together, or a nice dinner once a week.

 Add Some Spice

When life seems dull and repetitive, marriage can feel the same way. To make the marriage last, a couple has to figure out ways to spice up life. This might mean taking a romantic vacation together, or trying something new in the bedroom. You might even try taking a class together. When you learn together, you will be able to connect and have fun, making memories to last a lifetime.

 

Maintain Independence

Each partner in a marriage must maintain some degree of independence to make the marriage work for the long run. Partners who become too clingy, or couples who can't seem to detach themselves from each other often have real issues that must be solved. Individual partners must have their own interests, hobbies, and meaningful work to keep them happy. Do what is best for you, and make sure your spouse feels valued as an individual. This will help the both of you stay afloat when you need to take a break from each other.

 

Seeking Advice

When a marriage seems to be in trouble, couples cannot immediately abandon ship. One idea is to seek advice from a therapist or marriage counselor. Marriages sometimes need new energy breathed into them, and quitting before giving the marriage a chance is not always the answer.

 

Couples must understand that all marriages have low points and high points. The trick is to hang on to each other through the tough times.

 

“Brooke Chaplan is a freelance writer and blogger. She lives in Los Lunas. New Mexico where she writes, runs, and hikes. In her research of this article she found Valerie M. Little Law Corporation can offer legal advice when marriages are in trouble, that might help couples see things in a new way. Contact Brooke via Twitter @BrookeChaplan.”

SNOWBOUND!

Here on the East Coast, we've been slammed more than usual this winter, with snow and ice storms that close schools, and in some cases, even cities.  When you suddenly have an unexpected "free" day, it's a great time to have some quality relationship time.

If you have kids, that may mean building snow people to represent everyone in your family.  Or maybe going sledding or having a snowball fight!  If you're like me, and prefer to stay warm and dry, what about a fire in the fireplace and hot cocoa?  It's a great time to put away the cell phones and computers and really take the opportunity to CONNECT with each other.  Play some games, bake cookies, finish that project when everyone's home to pitch in.

And if you're a couple without kids at home - well isn't this exactly what "afternoon delight" is about?  We get so caught up in our hectic day to day lives.  If you have a chance to get an unexpected bonus day, take it as an opportunity to nurture your relationship.

The New Year and Divorce

Did you know that more divorces are filed in February than any other month?  Why would that be?

The holidays are over and once more, they didn't live up to your hopes.  Maybe you thought that somehow some of the magic would be recaptured during that time, but it just didn't happen.  Maybe you had mentally given yourself until the end of the year for things to change.  Or maybe you just wanted to get through the holidays and not ruin them for the kids, before going to see a lawyer.

For these reasons, and I'm sure many more, the New Year is the beginning of the divorce process for many couples.  Usually January is spent meeting with and selecting an attorney, and the actual filing happens in February.

How did it get to this point?  Guest blogger, Brionna Kennedy, has written about it:

The Top Five Reasons for Divorce and How to Prevent them

 

Divorce is never an easy thing to go through. Often, even the most level-headed and compatible couples find themselves contemplating a call to a divorce lawyer. Here are a few of the top reasons listed for getting a divorce, and how to avoid them.

 1. Finances

Money is the number one source of stress for married couples. When one partner thinks the other is taking advantage of the finances, it feels like your livelihood is threatened. To combat this is, you must engage in constant communication about your financial situation. Make agreements about what each of you contributes, and consult a lawyer and financial counselor before any major purchases.

 

2. Cheating

Infidelity is another reason for leaving a marriage. People cheat for a lot of reasons: emotional detachment, lack of intimacy, pure selfishness. You can avoid this by maintaining regular emotional and physical closeness with your partner, in addition to regular counseling to keep your marriage healthy. There are many ways to avoid this outcome. By maintaining a strong relationship you will feel close and bonded to your partner.

 3. Stress

Once kids and balancing schedules come into the picture, stress skyrockets. This builds up until you've had just about enough and need to leave the marriage. You can solve this by carving a little time for yourself, and a little time for yourselves as a couple, to decompress and do something you enjoy. Building time management skills is a big help, too.

 4. Ennui

Ennui, or boredom, can be a death knell to marriage. You have to keep things interesting or they get old. This means regular dates, periodic reconnecting, and constant communication. It takes a lot of effort, but ennui is completely preventable if you want to stay in the marriage. If you do, the effort is well worth it. The closeness and security you can feel from a fully committed relationship is something you can find no other place. It is worth the time and effort it requires.

 5. Lack of Preparation

Some people simply aren't ready to be married. Either they're too young, or they moved too fast, or they were afraid of growing old alone. The only way to combat this is to make a serious decision about your partner. Is he or she the one you want to spend your life with? If so, contact a marriage counselor to see what can be done. Counselors have many different ideas and ways to help you work though any issues you might be experiencing.

 

There are times when a divorce can be avoided, and if both partners are willing to make necessary changes, a reconciliation can be successful. If saving the marriage isn't possible and divorce is imminent, there are many different choices and paths to proceed down. If there are children involved, make sure to keep them at the front of your mind. Don't let other feelings take over. Make sure they feel loved and cared for above everything else.

Brionna Kennedy is native to the Pacific Northwest, growing up in Washington, then moving down to Oregon for college. She enjoys writing on fashion and business, but any subject will do, she loves to learn about new topics. When she isn't writing, she lives for the outdoors. Oregon has been the perfect setting to indulge her love of kayaking, rock climbing, and hiking. When researching for this article she took a lot of info from Kelsos, The Law Firm, Newcastle natives use them as a trusted resource.

 

Paying Attention to Your Relationships

As I stated in my New Years' post, it's important to think about where you want to focus your attention in the new year.  Obviously, your primary relationship deserves a significant portion of that attention, although often, it is exactly what we tend to let slide. 

I realize that jobs and kids and chores and personal care can all take away from this important task, but I think if you approach it as "quality over quantity," you'll accomplish the job.

Guest blogger, Tricia Borren, makes some suggestions in her post, below, but they might not be practical, affordable, or even desirable for some of you.  We all have different ideas about what is "special."  Sometimes just a couple hours alone with your partner taking a drive, having a picnic, or grabbing a soup and salad are all that are required.

This should be time to really talk - about your hopes and dreams, your concerns and frustrations, what's working for you (both individually and as a couple), and what's not.  It's a time for uninterrupted SHARING of your time and attention with your partner.

I suggest doing this once a week, if at all possible.  Have a "date night."  If cost is a factor, maybe you and another couple could trade babysitting nights - you have their kids on Tuesday, and they take yours for your Thursday date nights.  And remember, quality does not have to be expensive.  A long walk or a burger and beer are fine, as long as you are PRESENT for each other.

And, for special occasions like birthdays or anniversaries, you might want to try some of Tricia's ideas:

Escaping the Kids: Everything You Need for a Romantic Night Away

While it is a beautiful experience, parenthood can also be quite overwhelming. There are so many responsibilities involved in raising a child. These responsibilities often distract parents from spending quality time with one another. This can lead to major problems in the relationship, such as feelings of neglect. Fortunately, there are ways for parents to rekindle the magic. Here are four helpful tips for planning a romantic evening away from the kids.

Schedule a Babysitter
Before you can run off into the sunset, you must first take care of the kids. One helpful tip would be to hire someone to watch the kids for the evening. Be sure to make arrangements in advance in order to avoid any last minute disasters. It would also be wise to ask a friend or family member. This will allow more time away from home.

A Fancy Restaurant
Home-cooked meals are fine, but there are times when we need someone else to do the work. Both you and your partner can appreciate a dinner where neither has to do the cooking or cleaning. Make reservations at a nice restaurant. Because these moments are so rare, try to splurge a bit on the locations and meal selection. It will be a real treat for you and your partner.

A Nice Hotel
After such a romantic escape, it may be difficult to end it so quickly. Instead, the two of you can hide away at a lovely hotel for the night. Order champagne and flowers to create the right atmosphere. Request an in-room massage for the ultimate in relaxation and pampering. You may also want room service, in case you work up an appetite.

After giving so much for your children, it is natural to want to do something for yourself. Every parent could benefit from some adult time every once in a while. In fact, a little spontaneity could be good for your relationship. Use this night to rediscover the reasons why you first fell in love. Of course, this will take serious planning. However, if it brings you closer as a couple, then it will be worth the effort.

 

Tricia Borren

Mother and Blogger

Beverly Hills, CA

 

 

Getting the New Year off to a good start.

I've always thought that New Year's resolutions were vastly over-rated.  Studies show that only about 8% of people who make resolutions keep them.  Why?  I suspect it's because the resolutions are too ambitious, and/or, are entered into without a specific plan for how to achieve them. 

Don't get me wrong.  I think setting goals is a fine thing.  But they should be attainable goals.  Otherwise, they set you up for failure.  So along with a goal, you need a specific set of steps that you will take to make it likely that you will, indeed, realize that goal.

When starting a new year, I think it can often be helpful to think in terms of areas where we want to place out attention, rather than make hard and fast resolution.  What do you need to be paying more attention to?  How is the health of your relationship?  Does it suffer from lack of attention?  Are there things you could focus on to change that in 2014?

Whether it's your relationship or kids, health, job, friends, etc., going into the New Year with a commitment to pay more attention to the people and things that are most important to you might be a healthier approach. 

What do you want to pay more attention to in the New Year?  Share your thoughts with us, and have a wonderful, happy, healthy 2014.

Holidays! Part 2

Let's talk about money and the holidays today.  What are your family values about this?  Some people think they should go all out, run up the credit cards, and spend the next year paying them off.  Others have a set holiday budget and stick to it.  Problems can arise when you and your partner have different ideas about how much is too much.

Personally, I'm pretty frugal.  I've also lived long enough to learn that while a few thoughtful gifts are nice, loads and loads of "stuff" really is not what makes a holiday special.  How many gifts that you received last holiday season do you really still enjoy?  or even remember?  How about from five years ago?

And if you're buying for your kids, let me ask, "How many specific holiday gifts do you remember from your childhood?"  I'm guessing that you can maybe list two or three that stand out over your entire childhood - and they probably weren't the most expensive.  So, do you really want to break the bank for memories that probably won't really be remembered?

I'm not a scrooge.  I enjoy giving and receiving gifts - but I enjoy both ends of that equation more when they are few and thoughtful.  Two years ago, my favorite gift was a table item that probably cost no more than $10.  But it was something my friend knew I would really enjoy and use often.  I do.  And every time I do, I think of him.  He passed away less than two months after giving me that gift.

Quality time with family and friends is more important to me that the craziness of negotiating crowds at the mall.  How about you?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.

Holidays!

If ever there were a season that is a challenge to relationships, it's the winter holidays, from Thanksgiving through the New Year.  You see, we all have grown up with our family traditions, and we hold them dear.  It's just that rarely do our traditions look the same as our partner's.  And even if they do, there are extended families to consider. 

Who will you spend which parts of the holidays with?  How will you handle gift giving?  Does one family typically give more than the other?  How do you incorporate traditions such as favorite foods, religious services, decorating rituals, entertaining, etc.?  When we become part of a couple, those traditions must be considered and merged.  That is often not easy when they are so much a part of our best family memories.

What difficulties have you and your partner had in negotiating the holidays?  What has worked well for you?  How have you arrived at compromise that you can both agree to?  I'd love for you to share your thoughts.